


Pain and Acceptance

by sirenssuicide



Series: Pain and Acceptance [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Acceptance, Based on True Events, Family Issues, Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Pain, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, bitch parents, destiel au, trigger warning, two original characters in last chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 01:05:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 29,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3709285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenssuicide/pseuds/sirenssuicide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak. A teenager living in Sioux Falls, South Dakota who desperately needs to get out. When his mother thinks it's time for him to leave, he's both relieved and terrified. After years of abuse and self hate, he hopes his new home and life in Lawrence, Kansas helps him get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for some typos in the first few chapters.

November 19, 2010

“Mom, for the last time, it’s Cas!” he shouted while still packing his room. Cas’ mother recently found out about the secret affection he’s had for the boy down the street. She said if he continued to act this way shed ship him off to his uncle’s in Lawrence, Kansas. Clearly it didn’t take very long for the decision to be made,

“Seriously, Jimmy? The only reason you’re named that was cos your stupid grandmother wouldn’t shut up about it. Here we are 17 years later and you actually prefer it?” she had a disgusted look on her face. “It’s just about as ugly as that sweater! Take it off.”

“No!” he replied quickly with a worried expression. Cas tried to take her mind off the sweater. “Mom, she named me after the angel Cassiel.”

His mother chose to ignore his factual reply. The name fit quite well though. He had done some research on this angel and saw that he was the angel of solitude and tears. Who knows how many tears he’s shed? Or how often he’s felt alone... Cas feels like this name was meant for him.

His mother walked out the door and Cas got up to close it behind her. He locked it just in case of unexpected arrival. “One last thing…” He said to himself quietly. He picked up the small box he kept hidden behind his bed, and put it in his back pack. He lifted a sleeve of his sweater and froze at the sight of it. He took a sharpie and redrew the fading angel wings on his arm. “Just in case.”

-

Once all of Cas’ packs and suit cases were full, which were only about 4, he put them into the back of his stepdad’s truck and they were off. It wasn’t long thought that he realized he had fallen asleep and his mother was shaking him awake.

“Did you even hear what the fuck I said? It’s #457, Uncle Gabe and Rachel will be there when you land”

“Wait, what?? I thought you were driving me there! It’s only a few hours.”

“We’re trying to get rid of you as soon as possible, son.” His stepdad spoke up.

Cas was freaking out. Though, of course, he didn’t show it. He was good at that. His parents kicked him out of the truck like a stray dog. He grabbed his things, panicking inside. Cas was terrified.

 _You can’t take blades on a plane and you can’t get rid of them! How will you find new ones?_ He thought

Cas was on the verge of tears about now. He didn’t feel safe without his razors. Although he hasn’t cut himself in a month, that doesn’t mean that he feels ok now. He still gets urges and sometimes he’s just too sad to pick them up.

 _You’ll find new ones Cas… I promise._ He told himself as he walked into the building, heading to the bathrooms. In the stall, he took out that small box wiping a tear from his eye. For lack of better words, he was ready to flush his silver, red stained friends. His only friends.

1 down. He flinched

2 down. Desperate to fish them out.

5 down. One to go.

 _Just once..._ Cas thought. He lifted up his sleeve. “Just once.”

-

The sea of people flooding the airport halls made him feel like he was at a store full of families doing late holiday shopping. It is getting close though, nearing the end of November.

Trying to ignore the unpleasant feeling of the many new cuts clinging to his sweater sleeve, Cas thought about school. He’d be going to a new school where no one knew him at all. No one knew his secrets and nobody knew his story.

_“Hey look at the loser!” Cas heard as he ate his lunch alone. “Hey Jimmy!” The same kid called out, walking over to him. It’s the 2 nd week of sophomore year and schools already hell for Cas. “You hiding something Novak?” He grabbed Cas’ arm causing him to flinch but he couldn’t get away. His bully grabbed hold on Cas’ hand and lifted up his sleeve revealing an arm covered in scars with new and old cuts._

_Yanking his arm away fast, he pulled down his sleeve in time for no one else to notice. Sadly it didn’t work out so well. Cas was cursed at, he was called stupid and, the word he dreaded, emo. He was ridiculed in front of the entire lunch room, filled with rude teenagers. He didn’t run though. He couldn’t show any sign of weakness. As much as he needed to get away, he stayed._

_“What the hell is your problem?!” Cas said, immediately regretting his words as he got punched into the ground. Another kid took his back pack and shook everything out of it. He notice his notebook fell, opened on the hard tile floor._

_“Dude look what’s written in here!” The two bullies laughed as they read about Cas’ feelings for this kid named Cody. Now they were going around the school telling people he was a –_

“Flight 457 now boarding.” The intercom distracted his thoughts of last year. He put his bags on the belt and took 2 for carry on.

Cas boarded his plane with no problem. In his seat, he quickly huddled up near the window and thought of the possibility of flying on his own. Cas didn’t want suicide on his mind at the moment though. It was one of those things that wouldn’t leave his mind till something was done about it. In this case he took out his marker and mended the broken wings. He’d only meant to do it once… But he lost control


	2. Chapter 2

Cas landed in Lawrence around 7pm. As his mother had mentioned, his uncle Gabe and cousin Rachel were there waiting for him. He and his uncle were pretty close and got along very well. Gabe respected his wishes to go by the name of Castiel. Gabe felt like more of a father figure to Cas than anything else. Well, a father in a weird way... Gabe is only 28.

Rachel is about 6 years younger than Cas. She’s also his only cousin, and other than his own mother, the only girl blood related to him. Gabe and his girlfriend Anna had Rachel in high school. They hadn’t planned on kids that soon, but they were excited that it happened anyway. They were happy together and soon to be married after graduation. Sadly, on that very day, while on her way to celebrate the last days of school together, Anna and her friends were hit by a drunk driver. He hit where she was sitting in the passenger side and she was majorly injured. By the time Gabe had gotten to the hospital, his sweet fiancé and mother of his child was gone.

“Hey, buddy! I missed you.” Gabe said hugging Cas.

“Missed you too Gabe.” He smiled. “Rachel!” he bent over to hug his cousin. The three chatted for a few and grabbed Cas’ bags. Soon they were on their way to Cas’ new home.

-

Gabe took Cas to an empty room, spare the bed, desk and dresser. This would be his.

“I’m surprised I got it cleaned up in time. This was our junk room. Literally filled up to half the room.” Gabe laughed.

“I bet Rachel was a great help. It’s actually better than my old room. Not as big but that’s probably because of the bigger bed. Were these part of this junk room?” Cas joked with a smile.

There was a very soft rug in the middle of the hard wood floor next to the bed that was pushed against the wall. The desk was at the foot of the bed, acting as if the bed was the chair. The dresser, on the side wall next to the door, was huge. It had drawers for all his clothes and maybe more.

“It doesn’t matter how it’s here, kid.” Gabe put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “So! I enrolled you for junior year at Truman High, not too far from here. It’s Friday so you’ll have this weekend to get settled and you can start on Monday. And I’m sure you’ll be happy to know, I told them that you much prefer ‘Castiel’ so that will be on all the attendances and report cards.”

Cas felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest hearing that no one in his new school would know him as Jimmy Novak. He thanked Gabe for doing that for him. After getting his stuff put away and set up in his new room, he and Gabe went out to look for some school supplies.

“Thank you so much, Gabe, really. I couldn’t live at home anymore. As much as I wanted to stay…” he trailed off messing with the sleeves of his dark sweater.

“Cas, what happened? When your mom called me all she said was it was time for you to go and needed a place to stay.” He looked over slightly concerned. “Is everything ok?”

Cas looked up, contemplating on telling him the truth. The entire reason for basically kicking their son out was because he’s gay. Cas has been able to keep his self-harm a secret for almost 2 years now. Except away from the bullies. His parents started telling him he was a failure and going nowhere in life at the start of his freshman year when he’d gotten one bad grade on his math test.

“I needed a new start is all.” Looking away, Cas felt bad for not telling the real story. But he didn’t lie. It isn’t lying if it isn’t brought up. But he also knew it wasn’t a lie because he does need a new start. Cas only left out the specific truths.

Gabe signed knowing there was something more going through his young nephews head.

-

They were on their way home in a comfortable silence. While out, they’d gotten new notebooks, pens and pencils, binders and some folders. Also, without bringing anything up, he saw Gabe pick out pencil sharpeners.

Cas didn’t plan on taking them apart so soon. As bad as he wants to, he won’t. He needs to stop, but he doesn’t want to. And that makes him feel even worse. It’s a constant battle in his head about relapse and recovery. He wants to die, but he wants to live. He wants to continue cutting but he knows it isn’t good for him.

For dinner, Rachel suggested on going out to her favorite restaurant. The three agreed and were on their way. Nothing too special happened, though, but they celebrated Castiel’s arrival.

Cas was scared to start school on Monday. He hoped and prayed that these kids weren’t as cruel and evil as the kids back in Sioux Falls. But at the same time, he was ready. He was no longer Jimmy Novak, the awkward outcast. He would be Castiel.  A normal school goer that fit in just like everyone else.

Or so he hopes at least.


	3. Chapter 3

Monday came around so fast. Cas had woken up by 6am to start getting ready. The school bus got to the stop up the road around 7. He’s been showered, brushed his teeth, combed his hair in attempt to look nice and dressed up in his favorite grey sweater and black skinny jeans.

So far, in the 3 days he’s been living in Kansas, he’s felt a little better. Or so you could say.  He’s not too sure if it’s just a temporary thing from being away from his mother or if he just doesn’t care enough right now. Cas still has nightmares of what she would do if she found out his secret and thoughts of what they said freshman year. But he hasn’t thought of hurting himself.

He made it to the bus stop just in time. Cas prepared himself for what was to come on his first day of school, this fine November day. Making sure his sleeves were down all the way, Cas made it on to the bus.

It wasn’t very full, but it wasn’t too empty either. He found an open seat near the middle of the bus and sat there. He pulled up his bag to double check that he had all his necessary school items.

“Hey, wait!” there was pounding on the bus walls after the doors had closed. Startling Cas, he dropped his books. Cas picked them back up with a slight groan, wondering who was late for the bus. He popped his head up and looked around but the body to the mysterious voice must have already sat down.

-

The day sort of dragged on. The first four classes of the day were ok. He had math, science, history and English, the usual classes. He found his way around pretty easily. Nobody really said anything to Cas yet except the first ‘hello’s’ of being introduced into classes.

Its lunch now, so 2 more classes to go. Cas’ schedule assigned him music theory for 5th period and a free period 6th. Why free period? Who knows..? He wasn’t gonna question having less classes. No complaints.

“Hey, man, I’ve never seen you before. You new?” a kid sat at the table with him. He had very light brown hair, sort of a baby face and multiple layers of plaid clothing on.

“Yeah, I am.” Cas forced himself to be confident. He lowered his hands and tugged on his sleeves.

“I’m Sam.” He said, sticking an arm out to shake Cas’ hand.

“Castiel.” He carefully reached out to grab Sam’s hand. “But you can call me Cas.”

“Well, hey, Cas! Where’d you come from?”

“I just moved here from South Dakota. So far, I kinda like it here.”

They talked for about 10 minutes until lunch was over asking each other questions.  Sam learned that Cas is a junior, his birthday is in August, and he’s an only child.

Cas learned that Sam was a freshman, his brother’s a senior and there’s a girl in his math class he really likes named Jess.

The bell rang signaling lunch is over.

“What’s your next class Cas?” they stood up together and Cas dug out his schedule. He liked Sam. Not in the affectionate kind of way but Sam could be a friend. Cas likes the feeling of having this first friend.

“I have music theory in 10-04.” He barely finished giving the room number when Sam jumped in.

“My brother and I have that class!” Cas looked at Sam slightly confused.

“Aren’t the 3 of us in different grades?”

“It’s a mixed class. All years can take whatever elective together. I’ll walk with you.”

Sam explained what they’ve been doing and working on in that class. He even offered to let him and his still nameless brother into their 2 person group. Soon to be 3.

Sam and Cas got to the door and Sam stopped.

“I always meet my brother a couple halls over and walk with him. Sit in the back left corner table. Be back in a few.” Sam took off.

Cas did as told and sat in the back left table. He went through his pack and got a fresh notebook out, reencountering the brand new pencil sharpeners from the other day. He pushed the thoughts aside and opened to the first page.

November 22—

“—really freaking awesome!”

_That voice… why is it so familiar?_

The second ‘2’ on the date looked like it’d just had a spasm after being stung by a bee.

“The dude from the bus.” Cas said to himself.

“Hey. You’re the new kid, right?” the voice said. He was with Sam so Cas assumed that was his brother.

“Cas, this is my brother, Dean.”

He tuned out what Sam was saying, focusing on Dean.

He was gorgeous. Like seriously fucking beautiful. His eyes were as green as fresh grown grass. His body, not thin like him, but a toned kind of skinny he could tell. His short sleeves, tight around his arms, showed off his muscles… and that smile—

The teacher cut off his thoughts. She acknowledged Cas’ presence for a minute introducing him to the class, then he tuned out again.

There was a tap against his hand. The habit of flinching away and tugging at his sleeve made him feel like an idiot next to Dean, immediately regretting it.

Cas looked over at the handsome senior and tried for the second time in an hour to be confident.

Dean nodded his head down motioning at a piece of paper covered by the tips of his fingers. Dean smiled as Cas grabbed it.

_“what’s up? : )”_


	4. Chapter 4

Cas and Dean kept passing notes through the whole period, even when they were allowed to talk out loud to each other during class. Dean couldn’t help but smile the whole 45 minutes of music theory because he was next to the most adorable guy he’s ever laid eyes on. His notes to Cas were basically the same things of what was said between Cas and Sam at lunch. They talked about Dean’s favorite music, food and how he was very excited that his uncle got him a ’67 Chevy Impala for his 17th birthday back in January.

A happy little Cas kept fidgeting with his sleeves waiting for Dean’s replies. Aside from his small habit of tugging his sleeves, Cas found it quite easy to remain confident. Or so he thought. Probably because he was smiling buckets over this guy. He always says to himself though, if it’s too easy, you’re doing it wrong. His thoughts were distracted by Dean’s next note.

_Class is about over, text me sometime._

-          _Dean_

Cas shoved the paper with Dean’s number into his pocket, trying not to flip with joy. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get rid of this paper.

-

Sixth period was over and Dean casually walked to the bus. Sam had gotten a ride from a friend this morning and forgot to wake Dean up for the bus. It would be so much easier if his uncle Bobby let him drive the Impala to school.

He stepped onto the bus and in the corner of a seat near the middle, he saw Cas. Dean quickly walked down the aisle, trying not to excite himself too much, and sat down next to the blue eyed boy.

“Hey, Cas!”

Cas’ eyes went a bit wide, forgetting that Dean was the mystery voice from this morning. He tugged on his sleeves and smiled.

“Hey!” Cas tried to match Dean’s enthusiasm. “I thought you had a car?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I do. But my uncle won’t let me drive it to school. Which is totally understandable because the car is a babe. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to her, now, would we?” he laughed at his last words.

“Wouldn’t it be your parent’s decision?” Cas immediately regretted the words that left his mouth when he saw the look on Dean’s face drop. He watched as Dean’s fists closed shut and gritted his teeth. It looked like if he tried any harder to contain himself, steam would come off his head.

“I don’t talk about my parents…” he moved to a different seat.

“Shit what did I do?!” Cas whisper yelled to himself. He got the paper out of his pocket and quickly texted the number written.

_“I’m so sorry Dean… I didn’t mean to upset you…”_

_-_

Its 6pm, they’d gotten to the bus stop at 2:30. Cas knew Dean was still pretty upset by the way he stomped off the bus. Cas didn’t pay attention to where he went though.

Cas was half tempted to text Dean again but what would that help? He told Gabe he needed about an hour alone before dinner and that’s just what he got.

Cas lifted his sleeve, sadly admiring the new slits that appeared on his arm before Rachel and Gabe got home. He thought about doing it again as he thought everything would turn out the same. Everything would turn out exactly how it did in Sioux Falls. Dean would start to hate him and bully him potentially, call him names… people would join in. They’d ridicule him for his sexuality. It would probably be even harder if Dean knew it was HIM he liked,

“Cas! Dinner!” he heard Rachel yell from down the hall. Cas dragged his sleeve down, wiped his eyes, and went downstairs.

-

Dinner was silent on Cas’ part. He answered questions of how his day was. He played himself off as tired though, which he was. It was only his first day of school, yeah, but who knows how everything else would turn out?

“I’m gonna go lay down for the night. I’ll see you guys tomorrow...” his new family let him leave the table and Cas put his plate in the sink.

He got to his room, shutting the door to scratch his badly itching fresh cut arm and give it some air. He rested for a second against the door and noticed his phone was vibrating with a call. He didn’t make it in time to answer it. His phone read 3 missed calls from Dean. Probably to yell at him some more though… He ignored the notifications and laid down on his bed.

About 10 minutes later, his phone rang again.

-

“Please, please, please pick up…” Dean whispered to himself. Reaching the 4th ring, he was about to hang up.

 _“Hello?”_ Cas’ voice on the other end sounded upset.

“Hey Cas…” Dean sounded very apologetic.

 _“What do you want?”_ Cas replied before Dean could say anything else. _“Why are you even calling me? I clearly pissed you off.”_

“I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to get mad. It’s not even that I was mad at you. I…” Dean couldn’t find his words. “It’s complicated, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

_“Why do you even care?”_

“I don’t know I just do. A lot, Cas. I want to be one of the first friends you have here. You seem pretty fucking awesome, honestly. And Sam seems to like you too. We should all hang out sometime.”

Dean heard Cas chuckle on the other end of the line.

_“Isn’t that basically what we did 5 th period today?”_

“Well, hah, yeah! But outside of school, I mean.” Dean smiled. “We probably live close though cos of the bus stop, right?”

_“Yeah.”_

“Come over sometime?”

 ** _“_** _We’ll see”_ Cas said happily to Dean. But in the back of his mind he felt like he couldn’t trust this beautiful creature he had just met today.

“Cool! I’ll see you in the morning then?” Dean asked, making sure Cas would be there.

_“Of course! Goodnight Dean.”_

“Night, Cas.”

Both boys hung up with a grin. One happy for the day to come and one hoping for something more.

-

Cas waited alone at the bus stop, out at the same time as yesterday.

“Cas!”

He looked over and was Dean walking towards him. He smiled and pulled at his sleeves.

“Hey, Dean! Where’s Sam?”

“I told him he could get a ride from his friend again. I’m sure he prefers that a lot more than the bus.”

The two talked for a few more minutes until the bus pulled up. They both walked on and Cas sat down.

“Can I sit with you?”

Cas felt a blush coming to his cheek.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas hasn’t seen Dean since the bus this morning. He was thinking about Dean’s offer from last night about hanging out together. Gabe and Rachel wouldn’t be home for another 3 hours after he gets home from school, so it would be a great time for Cas and Dean to hang out together, alone. It’s Tuesday and nothing special was going on which meant to Cas that would be a perfect time to ask Dean over in Music class.

Cas took his seat in 5th period and waited for the Winchester brothers to get there. He wondered, though, when a good time would be to ask. He couldn’t just jump up and say ‘come over to my house today!’ out of nowhere. Especially without saying hello first. He didn’t feel like text asking was the best way to go, and for some self-conscious reason, Cas didn’t want to ask around Sam. He needed to do this face to face.

-

The whole period went on and Cas couldn’t find a way to as Dean over today. The bell rang and Sam rushed to get his things together and leave. He said something about meeting up with Jessica or whatever.

Cas matched Dean’s pace while packing up and tugged on his sleeves. Once his bag was on his shoulders, he spoke.

“Hey, Dean?” he tried really hard not to sound nervous. One last tug on his sweater was all it took for Dean to question him.

“You ok, Cas?”

“Yeah!” he put his arms down. “I was just wondering if you would like to hang out today after school.” Cas’ thoughts were flying. He almost picked up his arms again. He didn’t, though, so he wouldn’t get any more questions from Dean. Luckily his sweaters are a bit oversized and slightly tight around his arms. That way, even though Cas was afraid they’d slip up, he wouldn’t be exposed on accident of any sort.

“Of course!” Dean smiled wide. “What’s the plan?” Dean started walking and Cas followed. He didn’t really have a class to be at so he just walked in whatever direction Dean was going. It wasn’t a problem to either of the boys.

“I was thinking my place, since I don’t really know this area yet.” Cas chuckled a little, looking at the ground.

“Sounds good. See you on the bus!” Dean walked off to whatever class he had, leaving Cas with a grin.

Yanking on his sleeves, he walked back through the halls, scoping out his new school. There was 45 minutes left of the day so Cas decided to go on a tour of his own. After about 20 minutes of wandering, he found an exit on the other side of the school he’s never seen before. Cas walked out the door to what seemed to be a small parking area for the teachers and a big grassy area surrounded by trees that could grow up into the clouds. In the back corner, it looked like a small forest. On the side near the door was a little shed. Cas wandered around the place admiring the scenery before sitting behind the shed.

Cas had a view of the whole grass and forest looking area. It was beautiful. The fall leaves drifting sown in the wind and piles of them on the ground. It wasn’t freezing, but the cool air felt nice to him.

“Damn… This would be an awesome place to smoke.” He said quietly to himself.

Cas liked to have a cigarette on occasion. He didn’t really smoke enough to even say he was a smoker… But he thinks that statement only makes sense to him.

-

Dean looked down at his phone, debating on sending Cas a text before the bell rang. Honestly, he was kind of nervous. Those big, ocean blue eyes staring into his grassy green ones… asking Dean to come over to _his_ house! If only he could have a picture of those eyes because he’d feel really damn awkward just staring at Cas like that.

Nobody, except Sam, knew Dean was gay. Well… I don’t know if ‘gay’ is the right word. Dean had been attracted to girls but never really wanted a relationship with them. He did try, once, his freshman year with an old friend named Lisa Braeden. Although, Dean liked her, he couldn’t continue something he’d question every day.

As for guys, Dean’s never met someone who stole his eye. He has celebrity crushes like everyone else. Mostly for Pete Wentz, though. But up until now, he’s never felt more hit by a truck with want in his life.

He found Sam on his way out of school and told him about the events that are happening in the next hour.

“See, man! No worries.” Sam said confidently looking up at his older brother. “Was he playing with his sleeves?”

“Well… yeah. But he al—“

“He’s nervous too. Dude my gaydar is off the scale with this guy! Dean, Cas likes you. Take it easy.” Dean just laughed. Sometimes his little brother could be a helpful little pain in the ass. They shared a hug and went their separate ways. “Have fun!”

“See you at home!” Dean called back as he walked onto the bus.

Sitting in the same spot as yesterday, Dean went to Cas.

On the ride home, the boys talked about their day at school and before long, the got to their stop. Dean got off the bus first, waiting for Cas to get in front of him to lead the way. He was excited to see Cas’ house.

Dean noticed Cas was playing with his sleeves again. He’d been doing it about 90% of the time Dean was around. _Is he really that nervous around me?_ He thought about asking Cas why he does that but backed off in case of offending him. Dean couldn’t be responsible for someone else’s pain. So, he left it alone and let him be.

“You can go ahead and put your stuff down there.” Cas pointed to the corner of his room near the door. Dean did as told.

“You know, I only live 2 houses down.” Dean smiled when he said the words.

“Really?” Cas smiled as well and Dean noticed Cas was tugging his sleeves once again.


	6. Chapter 6

The two boys sat in Cas’ room talking about movies and music. Cas was really enjoying himself. He listened as Dean told him about his adventures with Sam. Stories about playing soldiers in the woods when they were younger. Cas felt kind of bad that he didn’t have any good memories to share with Dean. His only real memories were getting bullied by his peers and being neglected by his parents and others.

“Are the pictures in the hall of your family?” Dean asked after a moment of silence.

Cas thought for a second before answering, “Yes.”

Dean looked sort of confused. “Why aren’t you in that one?” he pointed to the picture across the hall from the door to Cas’ room showing Gabe, Anna and baby Rachel. “Was it before you were born?”

Cas didn’t mind the questions but he didn’t feel too comfortable answering them. He wasn’t just gonna leave Dean hanging though. Cas looked at the picture again, really thinking about it. Rachel looked about a year old... so right before Anna died.

“I was probably 7 when that was taken, actually. That’s my uncle Gabe, Aunt Anna and my cousin Rachel.”

“You don’t live with your parents?”

Cas shook his head and tried not to look or seem upset in any way. He felt a bit awkward so he stood up.

“Would you like a snack? Anything to drink?”

“Whatever you have is fine. I’m not too picky.” Dean laughed.

Cas got out into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of chips for them to share and a couple bottles of water. He got back to his room, watching Dean stand at his desk holding something. He realized it was his blade box. Cas quickly walked towards Dean, spilling the snacks on the bed and took it from his hands.

“You didn’t open it did you?!” Cas asked freaking out. He mentally slapped himself for not hiding it yesterday.

Dean put his hand up in defense. “No, dude, I was just looking. I’m sorry.”

Cas turned away from Dean, squeezing his eyes shut feeling like such an idiot. He heard Dean ask what was in the box and turned back around.

“Just stuff…” he felt really bad about what he was gonna say next. “It was Anna’s.”

“She died almost 10 years ago, now.”

Not a lie.

Dean walked up and gave Cas a hug. Cas melted into his embrace and took the chance to hug him back, tighter.

“I’m sorry, Cas… I didn’t mean—“

“Stop. It’s ok.” Cas pulled away. He set the box behind his lamp and heard the front door. _5:30 already?_ He thought.

Gabe and Rachel stopped by Cas’ room to say hi. Rachel ran up to hug him. Dean was introduced but left soon after. Gabe invited him to stay for dinner but he politely declined. Cas walked him to the door.

“We should hang out again. I had a lot of fun.” Dean said.

“Yeah, me too.” Cas noticed his sleeves being tugged on again and rested his arms.

“Tomorrow ok?”

“Yeah.” Cas smiled in his response.

“Cool! See you in the morning.” Dean turned and Cas closed the door. Immediately there was a knock and Cas opened the door to see Dean once again. He lunged forward almost knocking Cas over with a last hug. “See you tomorrow.”

-

“Cas, I see you made a friend.” Gabe brought up at dinner. “Do you have classes with him?”

“Yeah. He’s a senior in my music class. And his brother is in it too. They’re both really nice.” Cas couldn’t help but smile. Aside from the fear that Dean could’ve found out his secret, he actually felt ok. For once in a very long time, he didn’t think of hurting himself later that night. He wasn’t exactly ‘better’ happy, but he was ‘glad-to-get-my-mind-on-something-else’ happy.

“Is his brother cute too, Cas??” Rachel spoke up. Cas froze.

“Ray… You’re too young for boys.” Gabe laughed and Rachel pouted.

After dinner was over and Rachel was off to her room, Gabe asked to talk to Cas.

“So, Castiel.” When Gabe mentioned his name like that, he knew a teasing interrogation was on the way. “You like him don’t you?”

Cas tugged on his sleeve trying to come up with an answer. He didn’t plan on coming out to Gabe just yet.

“Cas, look at me.” Gabe put his hands on Cas’ shoulders. “It’s perfectly ok if you like Dean.” Cas was more nervous than he’d ever been around Gabe. “What’s wrong?” his voice sounding sincere.

“Please don’t kick me out…” Cas hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Kick you out?” Gabe didn’t know what Cas was talking about, nor why he would say that. “Cas, why the hell would I kick you out for a reason like this? It’s completely fine to like other guys, Cas. I promise.”

Pushing away the thoughts of his parents, Cas stepped back.

“How could you tell?”

“I know the look.” Gabe led him to the couch. “The way you guys look at each other is how Anna and I did…” his voice broke as he mentioned her. “And all that smiling when I brought it up at dinner kind of gave it away.”

“I doubt he’d ever like me back, though, Gabe. Dean’s just…”  Cas tried to come up with a word to describe him. “He just Dean… he’s too perfect. He’d never want to be with a fuck up like me.”

Gabe signed. “Cas, have I told you my cussing rules?” Cas shook his head. “You may use those words, not around Rachel, but me is fine. Just do not use them in a negative way towards others and especially yourself. You are not a fuck up, Cas.”

“Mom thinks so.” The words escaped his mouth before he could stop it. “She wanted me out because I’m gay.”

The look on Gabe’s face, you couldn’t put words to it. He looked beyond pissed.

“Well,” he said calmly. “If Dean is ever interested, he can stay for dinner. Could you, uhm…” he absently scratched his head. “Just go to your room for a bit.”

Cas gave Gabe a hug and a thank you before walking off. For the next half hour, Cas could hear Gabe yelling into the phone at his mother. He didn’t listen to everything but heard a few sentences. A lot of them were similar but worded differently like, ‘I never thought my sister would be like that,’ and ‘how the fuck could you do that to your own son?’

Cas laid in his bed and after listening to Gabe, he drifted off into sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i referenced another fic in Dean's note. can you figure it out?

One month later. December 22, 2010

Cas just finished his 4th week of school at Truman High. It’s now the start of winter break! These last 4 weeks have been a lot of fun with Sam and Dean. Cas had gone over to the Winchester house and met their uncle Bobby Singer. He was an interesting guy who doesn’t take shit from anybody. But he was super cool to Cas.

Dean finally came to dinner this week. Gabe got to know him and Rachel just stared at his beauty. Gabe asked about his parents but Dean wasn’t comfortable talking about them. Cas could tell when he saw Dean’s body tense up. Dean didn’t freak out though, he politely told Gabe he didn’t want to share and moved on.

Later that night, sitting in Cas room, Dean opened up and told Cas that his mother died when his was 4 and Sam was just a baby. His dad, which Dean described him as a brainwashing douche, didn’t make it through surgery a few years ago. Dean told a few stories to Cas about how his dad treated him and Sam. It was always his job to watch Sam. If any little thing happened, then Dean would get a beating or verbal abuse. He wasn’t around for most of their lives because he was always out getting drunk to wash away the pain of their mother’s death. He would always end up taking them to Bobby’s if he was going out. Cas learned that bobby was just an old friend of their dad. Though it got worse when his dad lost his job. The yelling wouldn’t stop. Dean had to become a father to Sam at an early age and a caretaker for his father. As much as he misses them both, he very much enjoys his life with Bobby.

It’s just a few days until Christmas and he was with Dean again.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean greeted him when Cas opened the door.

Cas led Dean up to his room and shut the door behind him.

“I got you a present.” Dean smiled wide as he said that.

Cas looked and felt shocked. He was tugging on his sleeves for the billionth time. He hadn’t hurt himself since that first day of school because of the misunderstanding with Dean.

“What? Dean you didn’t have to do that. I don’t have anything in return.” He said his last sentence kind of sad.

“No, this is for you and you only. My present in return is your reaction. I couldn’t accept anything else.”

“Dean, Christmas is still 3 days away.”

“I don’t care.” Dean walked up to Cas, present in hand. Cas grabbed it and sat cross legged on his bed. Dean sat in front of him.

Cas tried to think of what it could be. The package was small and rectangular. Similar to the size of half a soda box, but smaller. Cas flipped it over to unwrap it as carefully as he could. He found a black box he could take a lid off of. It was black with a red ribbon across it. He lifted the lid and looked up at a cure, smiling Dean, still curious of his surprise. Inside was a folded up piece of paper and a small black bag.

“I’m sorry if you find it super cheesy, but I thought you’d love it.” Dean said.

Cas unfolded the letter and read.

_Dear Cas,_

_I met you one month ago today. I took one look at you and thought you were the most beautiful person on earth. You really are. It’s funny how the only skin I’ve seen of you is your hands and neck up. Your sweaters keep you closed off and mysterious. I love that about you. There are parts of your life that I am curious about that you haven’t told me, but I’m not one to pry. Open up when you’re comfortable, just like I did the other day about my parents. See, you and I, we do have a lot in common. We care about our families, we both love all kinds of music, we have similar hobbies… and something in our lives drove us to live with our uncles and separate from our parents. I can’t help but to think that with whatever is falling in our lives, something or someone somewhere wanted me to love and be with you. Something wanted us to meet, to have this connection. We were supposed to live here for this reason…”_

Cas looked up at Dean and smiled before finishing the letter _._

_“Castiel Novak,_

_Will you be my boyfriend?”_

Cas looked up again and saw Dean opening the small black bag. He pulled out a bracelet and before he could put the plastic down, Cas jumped up, pinning Dean down on the bed with the tightest hug he’s ever given anyone.

“Of course I’ll be your boyfriend.” Cas whispered in Dean’s ear.

“That’s exactly what I wanted in return.”

They separated and Cas put out his unscarred arm for Dean to attach the bracelet.

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you now?”

“Did you really have to ask?” Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean Winchester. His first boyfriend.


	8. Chapter 8

“Sam, I think Cas is nervous about something.” Dean walked into Sam’s room. He sat on the bed and looked over at his younger brother with a worried expression.

“You guys have only been together about 3 weeks, Dean. He’s probably still trying to get used to it.” Sam tried to be as kind as he could. “Also, he knows your birthday is coming up right? Maybe he’s trying to plan something special for you.”

Dean thought of the possibility, but he was worried about Cas. Dean wants to ask so bad to make sure his blue eyed boyfriend is ok, but is afraid Cas will shut him out or get upset.

“No, he’s still been tugging at his sleeves. He flinches when I want to hold his hand, and when I’m with him I feel like he’s hiding something. I want to ask if anything’s wrong, but I can’t take the rejection, Sammy…”

“Dean, I’m sure everything’s absolutely fine. Have you ever thought you could be Cas’ first boyfriend?”

Dean wondered how he could be that very thing. Who in their right mind wouldn’t like Cas? Sam was right though. Dean really could be the first of this boy’s love life. Honestly, Dean felt proud of that.

-

It’s January 16th, 2011. 2:05Am. Cas was writing in his journal, sitting in bed. He wrote a few long paragraphs about Dean and how much he liked him. Cas taped the note from the first day of school, and the letter from Christmas in the journal. Cas wrote about himself, along the lines of Dean. Because of him, Cas has now been clean for almost 2 months.

There are lots of times when they’re together that Cas just wants to say fuck it and wear a regular t shirt because of the comfort he feels around Dean, but he’s afraid to show Dean more of his skin than has already been seen. Cas thought it was probably about 3 years now that he hasn’t worn a t-shirt and can barely remember the last time he did. They have been together going on a month now and Cas was still afraid to show Dean the real him. He was afraid to show him Jimmy.

Cas’ phone started ringing after he wrote another sentence. He got up to check it and Dean’s number showed on the caller ID.

“Dean?” Cas answered the phone, confused as to why he was getting a call this late.

“Hey, it’s Sam.” He heard. Still confused. “I’m sorry it’s late and I still don’t have your number. Can I talk to you?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Cas readjusted himself to talk to Sam.

“Actually, could you come outside? I don’t want to wake Dean or Bobby.”

About 10 minutes later, Cas and Sam were face to face. Well… not literally. They were outside near the lake across the street.

“I saw your light on and figured you were still awake. Sorry dude.” Sam explained and apologized. “So the thing is… Dean’s worried about you.”

Cas looked down at Sam’s face, dark from the lack of light. What could he possibly be worried about?

“He told me today,” Sam paused. “Please don’t take this the wrong way…” Cas nodded his head, prepared for Sam’s statement. “He said he’s worried that you’re too nervous around him. That you won’t stop messing with your sleeves and you flinch when he reaches out to you.”

“Did he ask you to talk to me?” Cas felt nervous.

“No, if he did, I wouldn’t be standing here with you in the middle of the night.” There was a small laugh at the end of Sam’s response. “Look, Cas. Dean cares about you. I care about you. You make Dean so happy, and I can tell because I haven’t seen him like this in years… I doubt I would be the first person you tell, but Dean really is worried something is wrong. Are you ok Cas?”

Cas tugged on his sleeves and tried to think of an answer that doesn’t say ‘I’m hiding scars’ and not being a total lie. He’s not used to other people caring about him that way. This month with Dean, Cas is still not used to the affection.

“Well, nothing’s necessarily wrong…” Cas started. “Dean’s my first boyfriend and really… you and him are the only people that have taken interest in me. I don’t know, it’s just different. But a good different…” Cas sighed. “Tell him to come over in the morning.”

“Ok. Thanks, Cas.” Dam gave him a hug and they went back home.


	9. Chapter 9

Cas woke up about 8 hours later to Rachel shaking him awake in his bed. He groaned and put his pillow over his head, pulling his blanked up to cover himself more.

“Cas, wake up! Your boyfriend is here!” Rachel got on the bed and tackled Cas.

“Tell him to come up…” Cas muttered into his pillow as his little cousin got off of him. Cas sat up, back against the head board of his bed and made sure his sleeves were down all the way. About a minute since Rachel shook him awake, the door opened and Dean walked into the room.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean walked over and kissed him. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, I fell asleep around 3,” he laughed. “I was just writing all night.”

“Well, that’s good. What about?” Dean smiled and looked into Castiel’s beautiful blue eyes and got on the bed.

“You.” Cas said in a half whisper and kissed Dean for the second time this morning. Cas rubbed his eyes and got out from under his blanket.

“So… I need to ask you something.” His words were very hesitant compared to just a second ago. Like he didn’t know how to string them together. Cas knew exactly what was coming though and nodded for Dean to continue. “Are you ok Cas?” Dean reached out for Cas’ hand and out of habit, he flinched. Dean’s face dropped and he immediately regretted the action. “Cas… is something wrong? I don’t want you to feel nervous around me like that. You know I care so much about you.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Dean... at least not anymore for the most part. I’m just not used to any sort of affection. You’re my first boyfriend and you and Sam are the only ones who have ever taken an interest in me. It’s just different.”

“Any sort of affection?” Dean repeated Cas’ words and sighed. “Are you still wearing my bracelet?” Cas pulled out part of the string from the blue fabric bracelet out of his sleeve. Dean smiled. “That bracelet is everything I feel for you. Me being here with you…” it didn’t seem like he knew what to say. “How do you not get any sort of affection?” Cas tried to pull his arm away because he needed his sleeve again. Dean just gripped tighter. “What’s wrong Cas?”

“Can I please just get a little bit more comfortable before I spill my life story to you…?” Cas put his free hand up to cover his mouth during his soft reply to Dean. Dean loosened his grip on Cas and moved closer holding him close.

“Please don’t keep me hanging forever…”

-

A couple months have passed now. Cas and Dean’s relationship feels stronger than ever to the two of them. Next week is spring break and the boys plan on spending all their time during the 9 days together. They’ve been going to each other houses almost every day and if they couldn’t, they would call each other every night and text as long as they could. Gabe told Cas that if Bobby was ok with it, Dean could stay over a few nights with Cas. But, Dean is 18 now so Bobby should be totally fine with it.

Today was Thursday and Dean left his 6th period early to hang out with Cas at his spot behind the shed.

“I got you something.” Dean said, pulling his back pack off. He dug around inside before stopping a sec to say “How long has it been since you’ve smoked?”

“Probably a year. Why?” Cas was wondering why Dean would bring that up.

“Do you want to?” Dean pulled out a new pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Cas’ eyes went wide and almost jumped off the ground to snag the items from Dean. Cas did the usual procedure and let his first drag out with a long, slow exhale filled with relief.

Cas remembered that conversation so clearly.

_“Do you smoke?” Cas asked Dean sitting in Dean’s room._

_“Barely. Do you?”_

_“On occasion, or whenever I can find a full cigarette. Haven’t had once since summer.” Cas thought of another question to ask. “So… you’re my first boyfriend. Have you had relationships before me?”_

_“A girl freshman year, but that was before I knew what I really liked.”_

“All you need now are piercings and tattoos!” Dean laughed. Cas asked if dean wanted to smoke too but declined. “I bought those for you and you only.” Cas smiled. “Are you gonna get anything when you turn 18?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna get angel wings on my arm. I draw it all the time so why not, right?” Cas had wanted the wing tattoo since he started drawing it. It was about 6 months after he started harming that he drew them for the first time. He’s 4 months cut free now and that’s all thanks to Dean.

“That’s awesome! Can I see?” Cas didn’t expect that response. He tossed his finished cigarette away from them.

“Uhm…” Cas told himself when spring break comes is when he will tell Dean everything he’s been dying to know. That’s only a few days away. “Can I show you when you’re over next week?” I’m actually ready to tell you everything now…”

“Everything?” Dean looked at him like he didn’t know a thing Cas was talking about.

“I told you I wouldn’t keep you hanging forever.”

-

April 4, 2011

It’s Monday of spring break. Dean has been at the Novak house since Saturday evening. Since Thursday, Cas has been trying to think of figuring out how he’s going to tell Dean about his past.  They woke up next to each other for the second time and Cas was so happy. Like, actually happy. He’s felt so much better in the time he’s been with Dean than he was 3 months ago. He’s stopped flinching but still pulls at his sleeves. Cas rolled around to see his shirtless boyfriend staring at him.

Dean took Cas to lunch at a small diner a few miles away and that was the only interesting thing that happened so far in this year’s spring break. When they got home, the house was empty. Gabe was working and Rachel went to her grandmother’s house in Topeka to spend some time together. Again, the day wasn’t very interesting, but they enjoyed their time together.

Around 11pm, they were sat in Cas’ bed and he thought now would be a good time to talk.

“Dean… before I say anything, please let me talk at my own pace. Please don’t push me to say things if I seem uncomfortable to get it out.” Cas took a deep breath. “And please do not stare when I show you…”

“Babe, what are you showing me..?”

“Can I finish…?” Cas already felt frustrated. “Just… let me talk and say everything first.”

Dean nodded.

“My name is Jimmy Castiel Novak. I’m living with Gabe and Rachel because my mom and step dad kicked me out. My biological dad was never around so I have this family’s last name. But from the minute my mom started dating that asshole I knew she was different. I was 14 years old, almost my birthday and school was starting soon. She stopped paying attention to me and basically just never gave a shit about me anymore. I came home one day, my first math test I got a D on and she told me I was worthless… nothing but a failure.” Cas had to look away. Rethinking that night made him tear up. “She hit me when I was sad and yelled at me constantly for a year. I didn’t know what to do. No one would talk to me. The kids at school knew I was gay, they knew I hate my name Jimmy and teased me about it all the time. They always called me a…calling me names. I liked a boy a few houses down and my mom found out. She called Gabe and all she said was I needed to get away. She fucking kicked out her own son because he’s fucking gay…” Dean tried to grab his arm but Cas pulled away. “Through sophomore year and just this September I was always made fun of. People knew how much pain my mother put me through and I don’t even know how they knew. But they did. And somehow they found out the shit I fucking did to myself and they _laughed_!” he started to raise his voice a bit. “the same dick, every day, would come up to me and lift up my sleeves to see if I had cut deep enough yet…” he looked at Dean and saw those green eyes fill with tears. “And he told me to go kill myself. And I tried.” Cas hesitantly lifted up his sleeve, showing Dean all his scars and pointed to the vertical one tracing his vein. “I really thought I’d done it... but then I woke up in sheets soaked in my own blood. I wanted to die so fucking bad. I couldn’t stand living anymore. All last summer I stayed in my room, lying in bed all summer. I barely left my room. I spent my nights cutting or just thinking about it. I moved here and honestly thought it would be exactly the same. But here we are…” he pulled his sleeve down.

“Cas…” tears dripped from Dean’s eyes. “When was the last time you cut yourself..?”

“My first day of school… I thought I fucked up again. I thought everything would turn out the same because I accidentally pissed someone off.” he hoped that Dean forgot their first bus encounter.

“I made you—“

“No. Dean. I didn’t cut because of you. I promise… I can’t explain what goes through my head when I think of it. It’s too complicated.” Cas took Dean’s hands. “You’re what’s keeping me from cutting.”

“Do you still think about it?” Cas wiped Dean’s tears, then his own.

“When you’re not around… almost all the time.” Cas thought about the day Dean found his blade box and lied that it was Anna’s. “Please don’t be mad at me Dean… but that box you found the first time you came over isn’t Anna’s…” Dean just looked at him. “That’s where I keep my… stuff… in.”

“We’re gonna go across the street in the morning,” Dean sniffed and cleared his throat. “And I want you to throw them in the lake.”

Cas tried to say no but gave in to Dean’s pleas. Both tired from crying a bit, along with the time being 12:30, they got ready to sleep. Using their cell phone flash lights to get situated with the lamp off, Dean removed his shirt.

“Can I take off my sweater?”

Dean pushed Cas’ hair out of his face. “I’m not stopping you.” They kissed. Cas removed his sweater and threw it on the floor. Cuddling up next to Dean, they still had the flash lights on.

“I understand if this is the last time you want to be with me…” Dean grabbed his scarred arm carefully, putting it in the light. Cas didn’t like it but let Dean do what he was. Dean traced over where Cas’ scars read ‘worthless’ and ‘why me.’ He kissed them up to his elbow and back.

“There is no way in fuck I am leaving you tonight. I’m so proud of you Cas.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter is really short.. they get longer i promise!  
> tell me what you think if youve read this far :) do you like it?

Cas woke up to kisses on his chest. He opened his saw Dean with one arm around his shirtless body. Forgetting what he had confessed to Dean the night just passed made him scared and nervous trying to hide his arm.

“Cas… its ok.” Dean noticed Cas’ breath pattern grow before he did. “Cas look at me.” Dean tried to get his attention but Cas reached down for his sweater to quickly put it back on. Dean may have seen it and felt it already, but that doesn’t give him the ok to see again. It just makes Cas uncomfortable. He’s still not ready for exposure. Cas held his face in his hands, avoiding all contact with his boyfriend. He felt embarrassed and ashamed. “Do you remember what happened last night, Cas? Don’t be scared, babe.”

“I told you everything… I thought I dreamt it…” Cas whispered through his hands sliding down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry, Dean…”

“Sorry for what? Being sad? Cas… I’m not your mother. I’d never make you feel worse for being hurt. There’s nothing wrong with being sad. You know I’m here and always will be. You don’t need to hide from me anymore.” Dean grabbed his left hand and gently rolled up the sleeve hiding Cas’ arm. Cas almost flinched away and squeezed his eyes shut when he felt a light touch tracing every scar. Dean placed a small kiss on his wrist. “You are not worthless, Cas.” Dean kissed a few more scars, carefully. “You’re worth so much to me.” He reached the inside of Cas’ elbow and placed a passionate, loving kiss on Cas’ lips, cupping his face. “Are you ready to go to the lake?”

-

“Dean, I can’t do it.” Cas turned to face him, holding his small box at the edge of the dock. Cas could feel his throat tighten and eyes start to water.

“Yes, you can. I’m right here.”

“No, Dean. You don’t understand. I broke down so hard not bringing my other ones onto the plane. I can’t fucking do it!” _God… I want to so bad…_ Cas’ thoughts were starting to take over his mind.

“You’re right. I don’t understand, Cas. But, what I do is that it’s taking a huge effect on you and your life… Also, you didn’t have me before. I’m right here, Cas.”

“I can’t do it…” he whispered. A wave crashed against the dock and Dean reached for the box. He opened it and saw 3 silver blades that have separated his darling Castiel’s skin. Cas watched as Dean took one into his hands and threw it far into the water. “No, no, no!!” Cas fell to his knees hearing a sob escape his throat. “I want to give it up so bad but I can’t!” Dean held him tight for a minute and stood up, bringing Cas with him.

“Don’t let that shit get to you. The part of you that wants to get better needs to take over now.” Cas sniffled and wiped his face on his sleeves. He grabbed the last two blades and held one the only way he’s ever held them. He started lifting up his sleeve before Dean could call out, “Cas..!”

“I won’t, Dean…” he turned around. “Just give me a second…” Cas traced his scars lightly with his silver friend.  He didn’t push though. He really does want to get better. For Dean.

“You better show me both of those when you turn back…” he heard Dean’s voice shake. Cas went straight across his wrist, barely connecting the blade to his skin and pulled his sleeve down. Turning around, he showed Dean the two blades before going to the edge of the dock again. He dropped them both into the water and quickly turned to fall into Dean’s grip. Cas waited until he felt a bit calmer to back away. When he did, Dean pulled his sleeve up to make sure there was no new harm done to his boyfriend. When proven correct, he felt proud. “I’m so proud of you.” Dean pulled him in for a kiss and sat on the dock.

-

A few hours passed by and neither of the boys wanted to go home just yet. They were still sat on the dock.

A few weeks ago, Cas almost told Dean he loves him. He remembers Dean’s expression, looking almost excited when ‘I lo-‘ slipped out. But they haven’t talked about it. Cas thought of it, though. A lot. He thought, maybe he does love Dean. Dean hasn’t hurt him in any way, he seems to actually care and he doesn’t stare at Cas’ arm or beg to see it. Dean’s the only person Cas has had these feelings for, though. So how can he say he truly loves Dean if he doesn’t even know what love feels like? Can he really call it that, or is it still an ‘I like-like you’ infatuation? Either way, his feelings are strong and he’s sure Dean feels the same. He just needs to hear it. Cas moved closer to Dean, watching the lake move with the wind. Small crashes of waves hit the rocks on the other side of them. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“I love you, Dean.” Cas said softly. He didn’t look up but Dean shifted in his spot.

“What?” Dean needed to hear it again.

Cas looked up into the beautiful green eyes he woke up to and can still see for the first time.

“I love you.”

Dean leaned over to kiss his boyfriend. He cupped Cas’ face and deepened the kiss with a rough but gentle force. Their lips separated but kept their faces inches apart.

“I love you too, Cas.”


	11. Chapter 11

It felt like no time had gone by at all. Cas was standing next to Sam in Dean’s room, waiting for him to return. Cas had on his nicest sweater with a light blue and black pattern on it, matching his new, slightly ripped, skinny jeans. Sam had a green flannel on over a white shirt with black jeans, as well.

“Are you excited for him?” Sam asked after a few moments of their conversation.

“Of course I am! Dean’s just finished High School. I’m so proud of him.”

“He used to tell me he’d never make it. He doubted himself a lot.”

Cas was about to reply but Dean walked in wearing his green cap and gown.

“Do I look as stupid as I feel?”

“No.” Cas walked over and kissed him. “And you shouldn’t feel stupid, babe. You’re graduating today!” he said smiling.

About an hour later, Dean was off with his class preparing for today’s big ceremony. At Dean’s request, though not needed, Gabe and Rachel happily attended the Truman High graduation celebration. Rachel sat next to Sam, with her eyes almost glued to him. Cas couldn’t help but to laugh under his breath.

The excitement Cas noticed on Bobby’s face once the graduates came to their seats was something he’d never witnessed before. He looked like a father, so proud of his son that there were no words to describe how he felt. Cas only wished someone would be proud of him like that. Sam was smiling so much that his face couldn’t possibly go back to normal later on. Gabe and Rachel were very proud of Dean. For completing this big chapter of his life and basically being an addition to the family. And, most of all, making Cas happy.

When Dean’s name was called for him to receive his diploma, the five of them stood up and cheered loudly before the announcer could get ‘Winchester’ out. Cas kept his eye on Dean and saw him look back at him. From the distance he was, which wasn’t too far only 6 rows back, Cas could swear he saw the small shine of a tear run down Dean’s cheek.

The rest of the names were called and all the official 2011 graduates of Truman High threw their caps. The entire audience happily, and some silently, cheered.

-

“Dean, baby, I’m so proud of you!” Cas jumped on him when they were alone in Dean’s room. Cas kissed him hard

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean was still smiling, too. “I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise for me?” Cas pilled back and thought he was joking. “Dean. It’s your day. I don’t deserve anything right now.”

“It’s _our_ day. And, baby, you deserve everything.”  Dean kissed him once more and pulled back to sit on the bed. I already talked to Gabe. I’ve had this planned for a while, now.” Cas didn’t understand at all what Dean was doing. And Gabe knew? “So, I need you to go home and pack an overnight bag. Sound good?” Dean looked Cas straight in the eye like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Cas felt a bit nervous and pulled on his sleeves. He hasn’t done that as much now since he’s felt more confident with Dean around. And he’s also gotten comfortable with Dean knowing about his scars as well.  Although, His arm has only been noticed by Dean another two times since the lake, Cas is still trying to figure out if he’s comfortable wearing less around Dean more often. But Dean is still the only person who knows.

“Am I staying here tonight?” Cas asked.

“Nope.” Dean made a pop noise while finishing the word. “Now, go. I’ll come get you when I’m done. I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas kissed him and left.

At home he packed a sweater he really loves. It’s a bit over sized so it fits him like a tent. He’d wear that to sleep in. he also stuffed in the sweater he wore when he first met Dean, along with sweat pants and an extra pair of jeans.

For the first time in a while, Cas’ scars started to itch. He picked at his arm through his sweater for a second but it didn’t seem to help. He lifted his sleeve to get closer at it. He nearly forgot that Dean switched the bracelet to this arm.

_“To remind you that I love all of you. No more hiding, Baby.”_

Cas noticed the drawn angel wings were staring to fade once again. He grabbed is black marker and started tracing again. The door opened, causing the trace to mess up as Cas pulled down his sleeve, fast.

“It’s just me, Cas.” Dean said to comfort him. Still, though, whether or not it’s ‘just Dean’ Cas felt ashamed by his scars and refused to let him see. Cas turned around to face him. “Are you ready?”

“Only if you tell me where we’re going.”

“It’s a surprise.” Dean smiled and grabbed his hips. “I promise, baby, you’ll love it. Just us. All alone…” Cas felt Dean’s breath down his neck and just about melted. Cas trusted Dean enough to think he may actually like this trip.

Dean threw both their bags in the back seat of the impala and they were ready to go.

-

“Dean, I’m hungry…” they’ve been on the road now for 3 hours. They left Cas’ house around 2:30. “Where are we going?”

“I’m taking you somewhere special.” Dean glanced over and gave a warm smile. “There’s a restaurant coming up soon. We’ll stop and get you something, k?” Cas just nodded and looked out the window.

Cas’ phone beeped and he saw it was a text from Gabe. All it said was ‘have fun and be safe’ and Cas ignored it. He put his feet up on the dash after removing his shoes. Cas remembered he’d also packed his cigarettes Dean bought him in case he wanted one.

“Can I smoke in here?” Cas felt awkward asking because he knows how much Dean loves this car.

“Sure. As long as it stays out the window when it isn’t on your lips and keep the smoke out as much as you can.” He said that with a force in his voice Cas couldn’t describe. He got his pack and the lighter out. He has 7 left. He’s smoking them faster than he thought.

Cas finished the cigarette as they pulled into the restaurant parking lot. The got out of the car together and followed each other to the door. Dean wanted to be wherever they were going by 7pm at the latest and it’s just before 6. They should have enough time. Dean did say it’s only about 15 minutes away from here.

They had a nice, early dinner and Dean had insisted to pay. Bobby gave him a load of Graduation money that Cas didn’t even want to hear the total amount.

-

“Watch your step.” Dean blindfolded Cas before they got to the mystery spot. Cas heard elevators and silence. A few minutes later, Cas heard Dean open a door, push him forward and unblind him. “So...”

Honestly, Cas was shocked. They were in a beautiful hotel room. Huge, with a king sized bed, a small dining area, mirrored closet and a bathroom on the other end,

“Dean…” Cas couldn’t find his words. “You got this room for us?”

“Yeah, mostly because I wanna spend time with my amazing boyfriend. And I thought we could get away from our families for a while.”

Cas nodded in agreement. He pulled Dean towards him, kissing him as if his life depended on it.

A couple of hours later, after playing games that Dean was smart enough to bring, they were both on the bed watching whatever was on TV. Cas cuddled up on Dean’s chest, not paying attention to the moving screen.

_“Dean, are you a virgin?” Cas was curious and he’d actually thought about it a few times._

_“Not with a girl. If that’s what you’re asking.”_

_“Oh.” There were a few times all the hot make out sessions turned Cas on. But he wouldn’t dare do anything in his house with his family there._

_“…did you want—“_

_“No!” Cas said a little too quickly. “I mean… I’m not, uh… not now.”_

“Whatcha thinking about, baby?” Dean brought Cas back to reality.

“One of our conversations.” Cas laughed at how nervous he was back then. “When I asked you if you were a virgin.” Dean chuckled a bit and noticed Cas’ face change into his thinking expression again. “I want to.” Cas said almost in a whisper. He looked up at Dean and sat more comfortably.

“Are you sure you’re ready, Cas?” Dean looked concerned. “It’s a big step.”

“I’m ready, Dean.” Dean gave him a quick kiss before getting up to search each cabinet and drawer in the room. He found a few condoms and some lube in the bathroom.

Dean placed them on the bedside table and removed his shirt. He straddled Cas, still sitting against the headboard and slowly slid down together attaching their lips. Cas’ hands automatically went down to Dean’s jeans and unbuttoned them slowly. Dean rubbed up Cas' arms and went under his sweater felling his warm hips and his chest and every part Dean loved about him. Dean gripped the hem of Cas' sweater and asked him a silent 'can I?' Cas nodded and Dean removed the fabric. Dean grabbed Cas' scarred arm and kissed each one.

"I love you."

Cas didn't bother saying anything back. He was too busy focusing on the tightness in his pants. Dean started unbuttoning his jeans as Cas felt up his entire body. He slid Cas' jeans off slowly before his own. They started grinding themselves together. Dean kissed Cas all the way down from his neck to his stomach. 

"Dean... Please..." Cas moaned. Dean removed Cas' boxers, setting his election free. He grabbed it, and stroked Cas softly while reaching for another kiss. Cas moaned as Dean went up and down him carefully. Cas reached for Dean's but was told this night was for him and him only. To let Dean do all the work. Dean gradually started stroking faster and watching Cas' face was so much more of a turn on than he'd ever imagined. "Oh my god... Baby just do it please!" Cas begged.

"100% sure?" Dean asked

“A million." 

Dean grabbed the condom and slid it on. He lubed his fingers up and set himself and Cas in a comfortable position before entering. Cas felt weird but welcomed the new feeling when he told himself it'd get better. One more thrust of Dean's fingers was all it took for Cas to cry out in pleasure. "Shit, Dean, just do it now, fuck!"

Dean lubed himself up and made sure again, that Cas was ok. "Baby, if anything hurts or feels wrong, tell me and I'll stop, ok? Don't let me hurt you." Cas let out a whine for the ok. Dean lined himself up with Cas and slowly pushed himself in making Cas yelp. He stopped for a second. "Cas?"

"Just fucking MOVE!" and that's what Dean did. Cas got more and more used to the feeling each time Dean went in. He pulled Dean down by his shoulders and kissed him harder than ever before. "More, Dean..." Dean knew when he'd hit Cas' sweet spot when Cas bit his shoulder. Cas ran his nails all down Dean's back and kept his eyes shut tight, taking in his high. "Dean. I'm--" he couldn't get his words out before Dean grabbed him, stroking faster than before. Cas came all over their stomachs and Dean's hand. Another moment later, Dean finished too. 

Dean wiped himself and Cas up with his now dirty shirt and laid next to Cas.

"Uhm... Can I put my boxers back on?" Cas felt so good. He didn't have a care in the world right now. Though, he wanted to at least have one piece of clothing on. Dean nodded answering his question.  
Cas laid back down, cuddling up next to his boyfriend. Dean lifted his face up and kissed him softly and passionately. 

"Dean, I love you so much."

"I love you too, Cas." Dean put a hand in Cas' scarred arm and he actually didn't flinch away. Who knows if he feels better with Dean around it now, or if he's still to sex high to care right now?

Dean held Cas tight and they both drifted off into a deep sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning, Cas woke up to Dean’s neck in his face. He heard his boyfriend’s soft snores from above him and smiled. The slight pain he felt in his lower region cleared the foggy thoughts of why he and Dean were naked under the blanket, along with some of the bed sheet under his own leg. Cas was happy. He felt like he could honestly say he was living a happy life, now. Though, still slightly unsure because he still has the thoughts every once in a while. But, he’s still recovering from that. Cas hasn’t heard from his mom in almost a year, he had a perfect family with Gabe and Rachel, including Bobby and Sam. Most of all, he was with Dean. Cas had Sam to thank for that. He thought, sure, he’d probably see Dean in class and drool over his perfection and never have the courage to speak to him. He’d probably still be hurting himself… And he definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with who he is. Sam is a big reason of why Cas is here today.

“Good morning, hot stuff.” Dean said, still in his sleepy state. Cas chuckled and pulled himself tighter and closer to Dean.

“Good morning.”

“How do you feel?” Dean rubbed the arm Cas still had over his hip. It was clear to Cas that Dean doesn’t or won’t ever judge him for what he’s done. He realized that Dean fully and completely loves him. I mean, that’s what the bracelets for right?”

“Amazing. But still in a little pain…” Cas pulled out of Dean’s neck and kissed him. “I thought it would hurt more.”

“At least I made you feel good.” Dean replied with a smile. “So, I was thinking about going out to lunch before heading home. That sound good?”

“Yeah, that sounds—ahh..!” Cas cried out in pain as he sat up correctly. Dean laughed under his breath and asked if he was alright. The pain he felt now was exactly what he had expected the first time. “Fuck, that hurts… lunch sounds amazing, Dean. I’m gonna go take a shower.” Cas got up and grabbed his larger sweater, sweat pants and a new pair of boxers before heading to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and set his stuff on the floor because of the little room there was on the counter and started the water. Cas opened the door to Dean one last time before taking off his single piece of clothing. “If I’m not out in a half hour, come get me.” Cas thought a lot in the shower and when he’s in deep thought he tends to sort of black out and lose track of things.

-

Dean looked at the clock and read 11:45am. Cas had gotten in the shower at 11 so Dean thought he should probably go get him now. Dean opened the door to the bathroom and Cas poked his head out mentioning he was just about to turn off the water. Dean waited for Cas to come out, he wrapped a towel over himself still behind the curtain. Dean smiled a silent laugh thinking it was cute how Cas is still shy about little things. He sat on the closed toilet seat, talking with Cas while he was getting dressed and ready for the day. Dean was ready for a quick shower himself to clean off what was left of the little stickiness from last night. He grabbed extra clothes and kissed Cas to hold on to for their next short time apart.

Dean got out of the shower about 45 minutes later. He opened the door and saw that Cas wasn’t in the room. He noticed Cas’ sweats on the bed with his bag open and messy and a note lying next to it covered by his cigarette pack.

_“Went out for a smoke. Have one if you want. –Cas”_

Dean was about to put it down and saw on the bottom was written, “ _P.s. I love you :)”_ Dean packed away what was out of their bags then trailed down to the lobby for check out.

He saw Cas sitting there with his cigarette that looked about three quarters smoked and joined him. Dean reached for the lighter and lit one.

“Any requests for lunch, babe? Oh, and by the way, I love you, too.” Dean moved over to Cas, slightly shoving him with his own shoulder. Cas smiled wide.

“Somewhere with a soft booth.” Cas tried to get comfortable. “My ass is killing me.” He took another drag and held that in his lungs for a long few seconds before slowly exhaling it out and away.

Dean laughed under his breath, “Any venue or restaurant requests?” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand. “It’s all up to you.”

“I don’t know…” Cas stood up and flicked his finished cigarette before letting out his last breath of smoke. He grabbed his back pack off the ground where Dean left it. “Is there a pizza place somewhere?”

Dean took the last drag of his cigarette, thinking of places around here to fit Cas’ desire.

“The only one I can think of is about an hour away. Is that ok?” he stood up.

“Yeah.” Cas smiled and kissed Dean. “You ready?”

About a half hour after they left, Cas climbed into the back seat to lay down. He said he was hurting too much. Dean heard snores soon after and noticed that Cas had fallen asleep. When he pulled into the pizza restaurant, he took a quick picture of sleeping Cas and set it as his phone wallpaper before waking him up.

“Baby, we’re here.” He said, gently shaking his shoulder.

“Hm… what?” Cas mumbled. His eyes fluttered, trying to wake himself up.

“How are you feeling?”

“Hungry.”

“Do you still hurt?” Dean asked with slight worry in his voice.

“Not as bad, but tolerable.” The boys got out of the Impala and Dean grabbed Cas’ hand. They walked into the building, got seated and ordered.

“Bobby’s gonna get me a job down at the shop.” Dean told Cas. “He’s friends with the manager there and he said my dad was pretty close to him, too.”

“So you’ll be working with cars? That’s what you wanted, right?”

“Hell yeah! Did I tell you I took auto my junior year?” Cas shook his head. “Oh. Well, I did. My original plan was to do music theory junior year and auto senior year. But I thought why not save music for last cos there’s still a lot I’d like to learn about it. Also, Sam begged for it to be that way because he wanted to be with me in the class.” Cas smiled and ducked his head.

“I’m happy you changed your mind, Dean.” Cas looked back at him. “We never would’ve met… and it’s still thanks to Sam.”

Dean and Cas both ate their meals in a comfortable silence, a few words said here and there, then headed home.

-

August 18th 2011

Summer flew by. Dean got the mechanic job at the beginning of August. School starts for Cas and Sam in about 2 weeks. But all Cas could think about was his birthday in 2 days. Also, Cas and Dean’s 8 month anniversary was in four days but sadly, Dean couldn’t get the day off work and nothing special will be happening. Though, Dean does get Cas’ birthday on Sunday off to be with his ‘now legal’ lover.

Cas’ birthday is on Sunday, so Gabe thought to have the family party on Saturday evening. He invited Bobby and Sam. None of their other relatives lived in Lawrence, and there was no way in hell Cas’ mother would be there.

-

August 19th, 2011

Dean got off work a little bit late and ended up being the last one to show up for the gathering. They all sang happy birthday to Cas and Gabe took lots of pictures.

“Happy early birthday, baby.” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ neck and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Now you can buy your own cigarettes.” Dean whispered. They both laughed.

“Hey, Cas.” Bobby came up to him with a bag. “Happy birthday, boy.”

“Mine next!” Sam called.

“Guys, come on.” Gabe said putting his hand up. “I’m his uncle, me and Rachel should give our presents first.” Cas and Dean laughed as everyone fought over whose present Cas would open first. It didn’t matter, though. They were all family.

Gabe got him a few new cd’s from his favorite bands, along with a new cd player. Rachel made him a drawing of them and found an old photo to go with it. Bobby gave Cas a sketch pad. He said Dean told him Cas likes to draw sometimes. Sam bought Cas a new soft sweater, he fell in love instantly. Dean gave him a card and inside was a small piece of paper. The card said “happy birthday, Cas. I love you with all my heart. –Dean” the paper said, “I’m spending the night. You’ll get your present later. ;) I love you.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Oh, fuck, Dean!” Cas yelled out in a hushed voice to keep from waking people up. “More! Oh my god, Dean harder--!” Cas swore he would never have sex in the house while Gabe and Rachel were there, but its 2:30am on Cas’ birthday and Dean said this was part of his present. Cas buried his face in one arm with the other around Dean’s neck. Cas’ muffled moans were still a bit loud but not loud enough for his uncle to hear from his room downstairs or Rachel down the hall. Dean leaned down to kiss Cas’ neck.

“Baby you feel so good.” Dean kissed his lips and Cas scratched down his back.

“Dean… touch me... oh m-Fuck!” Cas tried to quickly navigate Dean’s hand towards his dick before he came. Dean gripped him gently and stroked in time along with his thrusts. After another minute, both their breaths got heavier and Cas felt himself release into Dean’s hand. Dean let out the final moans he reached his own climax in his now 18 year old boyfriend. Dean rolled over to his side of Cas’ bed, wiping themselves up.

“Happy birthday, baby.” Cas rolled over and put his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. Dean held Cas close and tight. They fell into a peaceful sleep in each other’s arms feeling happier than ever before.

-

“Babe, wake up.” Cas felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder.

“Huh...what?” Cas stirred. “What time is it?”

“Seven…” Dean said quietly, almost as if he’d get in trouble for waking Cas up this early. “I don’t know, I just woke up and thought we should get some clothes on just in case someone comes in.” Cas rubbed his eyes and groaned. He got up putting on his boxers, sweat pants and oversized sweater.

Dean brought extra clothes, so he put on a large t-shirt and sweats. They climbed back into bed together, Cas snuggling up as close as he possibly could to Dean.

“Can we stay here like this forever?” Cas asked. “At least all day?” he voice was muffled by talking into Dean’s chest.

“Of course. That’s part of why I took the day off. To spend time with my baby.” Cas tried to get closer to Dean, if that was even possible. “I wanna be with you on your birthday.”

A couple hours later, Cas realized he had fallen asleep again next to Dean. He woke up to Dean’s fingers through his hair.

“Good morning. Again.” Dean kissed his head.

“What time is it?” Cas’ voice was groggy.

“Almost noon.” Dean grabbed something from the bedside table. “Gabe came in a little bit ago, said to tell you happy birthday and to give this to you.” Cas grabbed the card from Dean and sat up. He didn’t feel much pain anymore after sex and he was happy about that. Cas opened the card to find a $100 bill fall onto his lap and a few nice words written by his uncle wishing Cas a happy birthday.

“Awesome!” Cas exclaimed he sent Gabe a quick text thanking him and put the card and money on the table.

“How does it feel being 18?” Dean asked.

“Tiring.” Cas joked, laughing into the word. “I don’t know,” He said seriously, “not that different. But you gave it a great start.” He looked up to kiss Dean softly. “How did Sam know what size to get that sweater?”

“He asked me.” Dean tried to remember the conversation. “It was a few weeks ago and he wanted to get you a regular t-shirt, at first, of something you like. All I told him was you prefer sweaters.” Cas looked away nervously. He had the look on his face that Dean called his ‘thinking face’ and was so familiar with it. He knew Cas was in deep thought about something, now. “You ok, Cas?” he tried not to sound concerned.

“I don’t remember the last time I wore a regular shirt…” Cas had sadness in his voice. “there’s been a couple times I’ve thought about telling Gabe but I’m so scared… and when we got together and started hanging out, I just wanted to wear short sleeves cos I was so comfortable with you but I couldn’t cos you didn’t know yet.  Obviously I’m not gonna leave the house with bear arms yet but I want to be comfortable inside the house and around my family. I wanna be able to sleep shirtless by myself or with you without being afraid of someone walking in and freaking out…”

“Hey…” Dean rubbed a hand on Cas’ back in comforting circles. “I think you should tell him. I’m not saying today or that you have to, but whenever you’re ready to open up to your family, tell me. I’ll be right there with you, Cas. And you haven’t done it for, what? Almost a year now?” Cas looked up.

“Yeah, but, Dean… I still think about it…” Dean’s face fell into a frown. He opened his mouth to say something but Cas beat him to it. “It’s not the fact that I want to hurt myself anymore. I have no reason to because I’m not sad like that anymore. But it was and still is a big part of my life. I did it for so long. I think about wanting to do it and I do want to, but I know for a fact that I don’t want to do it…” Cas looked at Dean and turned away. “That made absolutely no sense to you…”

“As long as the point is that you’re holding back and not going to cut yourself again, it makes sense. You don’t even need to mention that part to him. That you think about it. Just as long as he understands you haven’t and you won’t, then everything will be fine. I promise you, Cas.”

-

Cas made his decision. He and Dean were sitting on the couch downstairs when Gabe got home from work. Cas felt more nervous than he’d ever been and stayed silent the whole time. Dean understood that Cas wanted him to do most of the talking and accepted.

“Is everything ok?” Gabe sat down in the chair across from them.

“You sure you want me to do the talking..?” Dean whispered to Cas. He just sat there, stiff in his seat making a soft nod. Dean grabbed Cas’ hand that was tugging on the other sleeve and started speaking. “First off, Gabe, please let me, us, explain everything first.” Cas noticed Dean was using the same for of words as when he told him. “And please do not stare at him… I und—we—understand you’ll be concerned. But please do not be mad at Cas.”

“Boys, you’re making me nervous.”

“As you know, your sister wasn’t at all the nicest to Cas. He didn’t tell me if you knew this, but he was bullied at school there. He was beat up almost every day. Verbally and physically abused by everyone around him constantly for almost 3 years…” Dean looked over at a teary eyed Cas and squeezed his hand a bit tighter, letting him know he was about to lift Cas’ sleeve. Dean began speaking again as he did so. “Cas’ only thought was to harm himself. Because of the abuse Cas tried to end his life, thinking that was the only answer.” Cas yanked his arm back and pulled his sleeve down, rocking back and forth with tears running down his face.

“I don’t do it anymore, Gabe, I promise!” Cas started sobbing in fear of rejection by his uncle. Gabe got up, rushing over to Cas to take him in his arms.

“Dean, can we have a minute, please?”

“Yeah. Cas, I’ll be in your room.” Dean kissed Cas’ head and went upstairs.

About 20 minutes later, Cas walked back to his room, wiping the few remaining tears left on his face, finding Dean lying in the bed.

“You ok, baby?” Cas nodded and sat next to Dean. “I’m proud of you. You didn’t have to do it immediately, but, babe, I’m proud of you.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas’ hair with one arm around him. The boys stayed there for a few minutes, still taking in everything that had just happened.

“Will you stay with me one more night, Dean..?” Cas asked quietly.

“I can. But I have to wake up at 8 to get ready for work.”

“That’s fine, I don’t care. I just want you here…” Cas held him tighter.

“Honey, I need to go home and get my work clothes. I’ll be back in, like, 5 or 10 minutes, ok? Then maybe we can go out for your birthday dinner. Sound good?” Dean said softly to Cas. He nodded and accepted Dean’s dinner date and let go so Dean could get up. Dean picked up his shirt from last night and held it out to Cas. “If I gave you my shirt, would you wear it?”

“Not in public, but of course.”

“Here.” Dean brought it to him. “Your first t-shirt in almost 4 years.” Dean kissed him. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and didn’t want to let go. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you, too, Dean. So fucking much… Thank you.”

-

A couple weeks passed and school has now been in session. Cas and Sam hung out at lunch and Cas started talking to other people.  He felt a little bit more comfortable now. And because it’s his senior year, he didn’t want to be a downer the whole time. Since telling Gabe about his self-harm struggle, he’s started feeling better about wearing Dean’s shirt around the house.

He began talking to new friends Meg and Michael the most. They were in Cas’ history class. He learned that they’ve been together for 3 years. Cas went out with them on occasion while he wasn’t with Dean. Dean was happy Cas had friends other than him and Sam. Not that it was a problem before, but Dean was part of the influence for him to socialize.

Although Cas knew it, it didn’t really hit him till now that he was better. He had nothing to worry about.


	14. Chapter 14

1 year later. September 26, 2012

Cas had the day off. Right before graduation in June, Cas got a job at a local diner. He’s not sure what he wants to have a career in yet but his paycheck and extra tips help him and Dean pay the bills.

In July, Cas and Dean decided they were ready to move in together. They found a small apartment complex a few blocks away from their families so they could still visit each other.

Dean is at work right now. Cas woke up to an empty bed. He stared down at his arm, admiring the angel wings tattoo he finally got. Dean said it was his senior year spring break present o him.

“What did I do to get so lucky?” he said out loud to himself.

Cas got more comfortable wearing short sleeves outside of Gabe, Rachel and Dean around the New Year. Sam and Bobby had their concerns but soon realized it was his past. Cas was afraid they’d treat him differently but that hasn’t happened.

It eventually led to going out in public with a t-shirt on. Dean took him to the store while Sam and Bobby were out. He told Cas he was helping him as much as he could. Dean really was. He said even though Cas was nervous, it’s still a learning and recovering process. Cas always took a jacket or a sweater just in case. He was used to it in about 2 months.

Going to school sleeveless was an absolute nightmare for Cas. Knowing he wouldn’t have Dean around scared him. Sam was an amazing help, but Sam wasn’t in every class with Cas. Everyone around him felt like a random stranger that would laugh when they saw. He was afraid that people would bully him again. What terrified him most, though, was Meg and Michael’s reactions. Would they be concerned? Would they treat him different? Would they still be his friend..?”

_“Oh my god, Cas!” Meg shouted. Cas tried to hide his arm. Unfortunately, today was the shit day he forgot to bring a sweater. “What’s on your arm?!” she asked._

_“It’s nothing, Meg. Please let it go.”_

_Michael didn’t seem to notice as he stood there in confusion._

_“Cas, what’s she freaking out about?”_

_“It’s nothing.”_

_“Castiel Novak!” Meg has never used his full name before… Cas signed nervously and had them follow him to the grassy area he’d spend his 6 th period last year. He thought about what he was gonna say and how to say it. He ended up thinking to just get it over with._

_“I am…” he said quietly. “I’m a fully recovered self-harmer.” He stuck out his arm a tad and pulled it back. “Please don’t stare… my boyfriend and I think it’s time for me to get comfortable wearing regular shirts. I can’t do that with you staring.”_

_Meg and Michael, of course, had their questions and concerns. Cas answered as much as he wanted to. Questions like, how long it’s been since he last did it and if Dean’s the main help that he stopped. He said Dean is the main help, but the family helps a lot too._

_“Cas you know we’re always gonna be here for you” Cas believed Michael’s response but also doubted it._

Cas hasn’t spoken to Michael since graduation. Though, Meg does send a text every once in a while. He thought about saying hi, but decided against it.

-

It’s almost 6pm and Cas actually had sort of an interesting day. He talked to Gabe for a while. He says Rachel is loving 8th grade. Cas made a quick trip to the store to pick up some more food and thought about getting a new pack of cigarettes. Cas started smoking just a bit more often but still went weeks without it.

After getting home, Sam called to say hi and tell him about his Day at school. He finally gotten with that girl, Jess. He sounded so happy.

Dean should be getting home in about a half hour, so Cas had some time to kill. He flipped through the channels on TV before deciding on watching Sherlock on BBC America.

His phone started ringing from across the room. He jumped up, hoping it was Dean to say he’d be home soon.

Cas picked up his cellular device and didn’t recognize the number on the screen. He doesn’t usually answer those unless he’s expecting it like for a job interview or something. He didn’t answer it.

It’s not the third time this person has called in 5 minutes. Starting to get angry, he answered, his voice definitely showed it.

“Why the fuck are you calling me?”

When the person answered, Cas’ body was frozen.

“It’s nice to hear your voice too, Jimmy!”

…shit.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****TRIGGER WARNING*****  
> this chapter was very difficult for me to write, honestly and i cried quite a bit.  
> be warned for graphic self harm and blood

September 26, 2012 5:30 pm

“Alright, man. See you later!” Dean called back to his co-worker. Dean only had a few more things to do before his shift ended in a half hour. He went back to the car he was working on that needed new oil and new breaks. On his way to get the new oil, Alfie, who started working there a month ago, came around to talk to Dean.

“Hey, Dean.” Alfie greeted. He and Dean got along really well. He was about the same age as Cas, though he looked a lot younger. In their time working together, Dean considered him a very good friend. “Are you doing anything special the rest of the week?” Dean thought if it was a good idea to tell his new friend his big plan for Friday night. He decided, Alfie and Cas don’t know each other. Nothing would be spoiled.

“Well, actually, yes.” Dean started walking back to the car, Alfie following. “A couple weeks ago, I went out and found the perfect ring for Cas.” He smiled.

“You’re gonna propose??” his eyes lit up bright like the dark sky would when fireworks go off all at once. Dean’s smile widened as he thought about surprising his boyfriend. “When?”

“We both have Friday off. I’m gonna take him to dinner and make it really special for him.”

They continued the conversation while Dean was changing the oil. Before he knew it, it was 6 and he was ready to clock out and go home. The shop wasn’t too far away. It would only take him about 10 minutes to get there. He thought Cas might be hungry so he stopped by Taco Bell to get him something to eat. It took him a bit longer to get home tonight, though. Probably because of the detour. But, oh well. He was just excited to see Cas.

Dean rushed up the steps to get to his apartment and walked in.

“Cas? Baby, I’m home.”

No response.

“Cas?” his car was in the parking lot, so he had to be here. “Babe, you here?” Dean checked the kitchen and heard the shower running. _Was that on a second ago?_ He thought. He went through their room to get to the bathroom to check on Cas. He thought he heard something but wasn’t too sure what it was. It sounded muffled and held back. Dean laughed at himself for thinking Cas couldn’t wait for him to get home to make him feel good. He listened for one more second before opening the door. “Cas?”

                                                      

September 26, 2012. 6:15 pm.

Cas called Dean 10 times with no answer on the other end. He was freaking out. Hyperventilating, he searched frantically around the apartment, silently hoping to find it. For a second, Cas began to hate himself for this, but he couldn’t stop. He hoped to find and reunite with an old friend. Cas called Dean one more time.

_“This is Dean Winchester. Leave a message.”_

Cas couldn’t take it. He went to the kitchen, shuffled through their junk drawer and found it. The old box cutter they used when they moved in. tears filled Cas’ eyes as he grabbed it with shaky hands, walking it to the bathroom. Cas washed the blade in the sink with soap and sanitizer, not caring if it would burn him in the result. In the process, he accidentally cut his finger. It stung and his vision became blurry.

Cas lifted his arm, looking at the beautiful wings now permanently on his arm covering the scars.

“I am so fucking sorry…” he said out loud to himself.

Cas brought the blade down with a force that only he could feel course through his body. He remembered the feeling so well. It had been nearly 2 years since he’s felt this and sadly welcomed it back into his life. He thought in his head as he cut. _One for being worthless. One for being the freak. One for surviving my attempt. One for not being strong for Dean…_ He broke the wings on his arm and fell to the floor with his bloody left arm supporting himself up and the razor in the other hand. The blood was dripping down to his hand, pooling around on the white tile surface underneath him.

Cas heard the front door and shut the one to the bathroom quickly, yet quietly. He knew it was Dean but Dean couldn’t know what Cas was doing. He couldn’t let Dean know he was home right now. Forgetting that last thought, he crawled over to the bath tub and turned the shower on for background noise. Cas cried, silently, to himself hearing Dean call his name every few seconds. He couldn’t stop, though. Cas needed to keep cutting. He felt like he needed to finish the job. He knew Dean would always be there, in many ways. But how much longer would it be that they’d be together..? Cas wanted to think of anything else right now. He needed to get his mind off this. He couldn’t. Cas felt like he was 16 again, the night of his attempt. He wasn’t finished with himself just yet. So, he cut again. He traced his attempt cut first. From his wrist to his elbow. Then went to his upper arm and started spelling ‘die.’

Blood poured down his arm and he cried a bit louder than he wanted to. The bathroom door opened.

“Cas are yo—“ Dean was in shock of the way he saw his boyfriend, sitting there on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood. “Cas! No, baby! Stop it!” Dean grabbed his shoulder, trying to pull him out of the vicious thoughts consuming him. “Cas! Baby, stop!” Cas struggled to get away, still crying. Dean began to tear up.

“Dean, get off of me!’ Cas cried. He stood up, found his balance and shoved Dean away.

“Baby… Put it down…” Dean’s vision fogged worse when he saw the entirety of Cas’ wounded arm.

“Why the fuck should I??” Cas laughed through his tears. The thick, red substance dripping from his fingertips. “I’m no good! This,” Cas lifted his cut arm, “is all I’m good for, Dean. It’s all I’ve ever been good at. I’m a worthless freak!” he yelled his last sentence. Dean started stepping closer to Cas. “Don’t… Dean. I can’t…” he didn’t know what to say. “A person as perfect as you,” he paused, “shouldn’t be with a failure like me.”

“Cas, you are none of those things!” Dean was crying now. “You’re the most-“

“The most what, Dean? I’m _nothing.”_ Cas’ voice grew louder before he screamed, “Why are you even with me in the first place??!”

Dean broke down into sobs. “Cas, baby, I fucking love you! You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart, you’re so funny and you make me so fucking goddamn happy! You mean the entire universe to me and so much more. Baby, you’re my entire world… you’re worth so much, Castiel. Please, babe…”

Cas’ sobs gradually lessened as Dean’s slightly grew. Cas put the blade on the counter.

“Dean…” Cas said quietly. “I don’t feel so good…” he collapsed. Dean caught him before he hit the ground. He took off his own shirt to try and stop the bleeding from Cas’ arm, wrapping it tightly around the deep would on the vein. He got out his phone and saw 11 missed calls from Cas. His eyes went wide as he noticed his ringer was on silent.

“Stupid piece of shit!” Dean cursed at himself. He called Gabe’s number as fast as he could. “Answer the fucking phone!” Dean cried, only to realize Gabe heard that.

“Dean, what’s wrong?!”

“You need to help me! Cas relapsed. BAD. He needs to go to the hospital!” Dean could barely speak clearly through his tears.

“Oh my god, call an ambulance! I’ll be right over!”

Dean did as told and held Cas’ body tight, praying he’ll wake up.

-

Dean was sitting with Gabe in the chairs outside Cas’ room. All those new cuts…the blood etched into his brain. After getting off the phone for the ambulance, he got a cloth from under the sink, wet it and tried to clean Cas’ arm. Luckily, the bleeding was down to a minimum by then. Though, from the looks of it, if Cas had gone any deeper, who knows if he’d still be breathing?

“Dean.” Gabe put a hand on his shoulder, making him jump out of his thoughts. “Why did this happen?”

“I don’t know… before I called you, I noticed my phone was silenced. He called me 11 times. 11 fucking times and I could’ve saved him!” Dean put his head in his hands. “I was too late to save him… I’m so sorry, Gabe…”

“Did he say anything?”

“That he was worthless… A failure. And in his own choice of words, he told me all he’s ever been good for is cutting himself.” Dean stood up to walk off his forming tears.

Gabe got up and hugged Dean tight. A few moments later, Cas’ nurse, Tessa, came out to give them some information before allowing them into the room. She said he’d have to stay for a couple days in the hospital to keep an eye on him.  She allowed them into the room, though, Dean insisted Gabe go first.

-

Cas got 200 stitches in his arm. He looked down at his bandaged arm, broken wings underneath. It broke his heart to know he had failed himself, his family and Dean. Cas talked with Gabe and after he explained what happened, Gabe was furious. He walked out of the room leaving Cas hearing the words, “I’m going to kill that woman.”

Dean walked in immediately after, but slowly, like he wasn’t sure if Cas wanted him there. Cas watched as Dean stood at the foot of the bed.

“…Hey.” Dean said shyly

“Come here.” Cas scooted aside so Dean would have room to sit with him. He was about to but stopped.

“Are you mad at me, Cas?”

“Oh, Dean… I think I’m the one who should be asking that question. Not you.” Dean sat next to Cas, putting one arm over his shoulders. “I’m so sorry I fucked up.”

“You didn’t fuck up, Cas. I should have made sure my phone was on so I could save you.” Cas could feel Dean’s sadness through his voice with the words he softly spoke.

“You did save me.” Cas looked up into his eyes. “If you hadn’t opened the door, I would’ve actually k—“

“Don’t say it…” Dean interrupted quickly. “Please don’t say that… I can’t ever think of losing you.”

They were silent for a while except for the sound of Dean’s soft sniffles and the beeping monitor for Cas. Cas sighed and rested his head on Dean.

“My mom called.” Cas felt Dean’s body go stiff. “She said a bunch of shit and I lost it…”

“Can I ask what she said?” Dean asked, obviously nervous.

“What I was yelling at you but in her own words. And some other things I don’t feel comfortable mentioning at the moment. What got me, though, was she said that she knew about my self harm.” Cas felt Dean clench his fist. “She only didn’t say anything in hopes that I’d …” Cas couldn’t finish the sentence with the new tears filling his eyes. Hearing his mother’s words again in his head scared him. He wanted to black out again.

“Is that why Gabe walked out saying he’s gonna kill someone?” Cas nodded.

“She’s his sister. You should’ve heard him scream at her when I told him why she kicked me out.” Dean held Cas tight, keeping him as close as possible. His arm covered in bandages. Though his bracelet still sits free. “I’m sorry about the bracelet…” Cas pulled the string of the blue, now blood stained, band Dean gave him when they got together.

“It’s ok, baby. I’ll wash it when I get home tonight.” Cas took it off his wrist and gave it to Dean.

“They want to keep me a few days to make sure I stay safe.”

“Yeah, your nurse told me. And she said no visitors until the last day to talk about progress.” Cas didn’t know that part.

“What?? Dean… I need you…”

“I know, baby… I know…” Dean pulled him closer. “I love you, Cas. So fucking much.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas squeezed him tight. “Thank you.”


	16. Chapter 16

Dean got back home at almost midnight. He wouldn’t be able to see Cas again till next Wednesday. Dean wrote himself a note to call Cas’ boss in the morning, letting him know Cas would be out for a while. He got the bottle of bleach and a couple towels and sponges from the kitchen before making his way to the bathroom. One step inside was all it took for the tears to fill in his eyes.

The floor was covered in blood. Two small puddles right next to each other and lots of small dry drops around the tile floor. The drips in the sink were dried. Some made it to the drain when some didn’t. Dean looked at the blade, still sitting in the same spot Cas left it before collapsing. The sharp edge was blood stained. He moved the item to clean off the hand print that was smeared around the counter Dean’s shirt and the wash cloth were still in the corner where he left them before leaving the house. Dean closed his eyes, hoping to open them revealing a clean bathroom, to convince him this was all a dream.

That didn’t happen.

Dean got onto the floor, wiping up as much of the red substance as he could before bleaching the floor. Flashes of Cas’ wounded arm went through his brain. “I could’ve saved him…” Dean said to himself. “I could have saved him!!” his voice, made angry at himself, grew louder. Other than his boyfriend’s wounds, what hurt Dean most was his words.

 _Dean get off of me!!_ No

 _This is all I’m good for, Dean…_ No

 _A person as perfect as you…_            I’m not perfect.

 _…Shouldn’t be with a failure like me..._ My baby is anything but a failure.

_Why are you with me in the first place?!!_

-

Cas couldn’t sleep at all that night.  His cuts itched under the bandages. Today is his first full day in the hospital. Cas’ nurse got him out of his bed at 10am to take him to another part of the hospital he didn’t recognize.

“Where are we going?” Cas asked her.

“I’m taking you to the mental disability ward. That way, we won’t have to relocate you.” Cas didn’t understand. He was confused and scared. He must have shown it, though, because Tessa, his nurse, put a hand on his shoulder. “Depression is a mental disability, Castiel. Your partner and your uncle gave me an idea of the things you’ve been through. You see, depression makes you feel weak, right?” Cas nodded. “It drains you—“

“It drains your energy and you don’t have any sort of motivation to do absolutely anything. It consumes you until you do something about it. Until you do something destructive to yourself or others.” He realized he interrupted Tessa. “…Sorry.”

“That’s ok. But you understand.” They stopped next to another room and Tessa looked like she couldn’t figure out what to say next. “You’ll be staying here until Wednesday. If we see an improvement, you can go either Monday or Tuesday. But that isn’t 100% sure.”

A few hours passed and Cas finished his first group meeting. He found out his group meetings would be every other day and the one on one meetings are the other days. There were four other people at the group meeting other than the doctor. Cas remembers the girl, Charlie but can’t remember the other one. The two guys were Adam and Garth.

Cas’ first days here were slow and boring. He missed Dean more than anything. He asked to call but Tessa said the rules wouldn’t allow it. He called bullshit on that, but didn’t fight it. Cas couldn’t imagine the pain Dean went through finding him like that. That was Wednesday night and now it’s been four days since that relapse. Four days since he was caught. Four days since he’s seen his boyfriend. And all those four days he’s wanted to do it again.

-

Tuesday

Dean was on his way home from work when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number, but answered anyway.

“ _Is this Dean Winchester?”_ the voice asked.

“May I ask who I’m speaking to?”

 _“Tessa, Castiel’s nurse. I’m just calling to let you know he is ready to go home tonight._ ”

“He is?!” Dean’s voice was high on excitement.

_“Yes. We just need you to come in so we can have a short meeting together.”_

“I’m on my way.” Dean hung up the phone.

At the hospital, Dean asked the receptionist where Cas was located and she took him to his room. She opened the door but Cas wasn’t there. They walked back to her desk and she called Tessa over the intercom.

“Tessa?” she asked and got a response. “I have Dean Winchester. Do you know where Jimmy Novak is?” they had to have Cas’ legal name here for hospital reasons and Cas absolutely hated it. Dean knew he didn’t like it and they talked about getting it legally changed but the time just hasn’t come yet. Tessa calls him Cas though.

“Castiel? Yeah. We’re in Conference Room 2 down the Recovery hall.

The woman, who Dean didn’t catch the name of, took him down to the Recovery hall and directed him where to go next. It was only around the corner of where they were currently at. Dean made it there and saw Cas in the window of the door and smiled. Dean thought Cas looked just like he did when they met. Scared, shocked and happy. He opened the door and wanted to run to Cas. Cas got up from his seat and jumped into Dean’s arms while his own were between their chests hiding the recent wounds.

“Dean, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, baby.” Dean kissed him and ran his fingers through Cas’ soft hair.

“Please tell me you brought me a sweater…” Cas’ small voice shook as he asked into Dean’s ear.

“I came here straight from work.” Dean sighed and Cas frowned. “You can wear my jacket.” Cas nodded fast and gripped the sides of Dean’s jacket. Cas finally calmed down a bit once his arm was covered.

The meeting went well. Tessa explained the group chat sessions and their one on ones. She mentioned that Cas seemed more comfortable talking alone than in a group. Dean automatically thought _of course_ because why would Cas want to tell his feelings to a group of random strangers. She also said the doctors had believed Cas was better now and that’s why she called Dean. _Bullshit._ Dean wanted to say out loud. He knew Cas wasn’t better. He sees how shy and afraid Cas is right now. I mean, yeah of course Dean Wants Cas to go home with him today and there’s no stopping that right now. But, Dean has been through Cas’ recovery once before. He still thought about harming nine months after he stopped. Cas would always go to him. Those nights in high school Dean would get a call from Cas asking for help… So, maybe they think because his body is recovered he’s fine.  Dean knows he isn’t and that won’t stop him from helping Cas once again.

The car was silent on the way home. When they got inside the apartment Dean pulled him in close and tight and didn’t want to let him go.

“You scared the shit out of me, Cas...” he didn’t reply. “I’m so sorry my phone was silenced…I’m so fucking sorry, baby…”

“Dean.” Cas looked up at him. “I honestly don’t think I’m better yet.”

“What do you mean?” Dean thought it would be rude to say ‘I know’ so he didn’t.

“I needed you. The entire time I was there I wanted to do it again. But I didn’t want to… I wanted that feeling back again so bad but I just couldn’t do it...” Cas paused. “I’m not making sense aren’t I..?”

“Cas, this is just like what we talked about before. I love you and I will always, always, always be here for you.” Dean kissed him softly on the lips, feeling what he missed this last week without him. “I talked to both our managers about this and—“

“My manager??” Cas interrupted.

“I told him you got really sick and needed to be hospitalized.” Cas sighed in relief. “I told my manager the truth but not every detail. Just that I need my phone on and if you need me I have to go.”

“So you didn’t say why I’ll need you?”

“I told her something along the lines of your depression and that it’s a serious situation for both of us that we need to overcome. I didn’t say why you ended up in the hospital, because that obviously isn’t my story to talk about. Her response, though, makes me think she has an idea. But, it’s all ok and I’ll have my phone full volume if you ever need me again.”

“Ok. I’m really tired.” Cas yawned and leaned over to rest his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and held him there for a second before walking him to their room.

“Can I get you anything? I can make you some dinner or a snack. Whatever you want, my love.” Cas took off Dean’s jacket and tossed it on the foot of the bed.

“Could you help get the bandages off? They’re really uncomfortable and itchy.” Dean looked into Cas’ eyes and saw the worry in them. Dean knew Cas was nervous for him to see his arm this way again. Dean grabbed a sweater out of the drawer for Cas as he got into the bed.

Dean took off the bandage above Cas’ elbow first. The deep, healing cut out in the open almost brought Dean to tears. He let Cas change into his sweater before taking off the other bandages. Cas lifted and held the sleeve while Dean unwrapped his arm. Cas’ wounds were shown and Dean ran his thumb over the broken wings. Cas pulled down the sleeve only for Dean to immediately pull it back up. He took Cas’ hand, lifted his arm and kissed down to his wrist. Dean climbed into bed with Cas holding him close.

“I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, Dean.”


	17. Chapter 17

Cas woke up in the middle of the night. He got up to get some water and noticed the kitchen knives were gone. He couldn’t help but to think of what Dean said this afternoon. He really scared Dean, and Cas knew it was just like him to do anything he could to prevent another accident. In the spot of the missing knife case, though, Cas found a piece of paper. He picked it up and read as best as he could in the dark.

_If you’re ever feeling sad._

Cas sat on the couch with the light on to read it.

_Cas, my beautiful baby…_

_I want you to--NEED…you to know that I love you. Forever and always. Nothing will change that in a million years. You are not worthless and you are definitely not a freak. I know you’re probably denying this in your head right now, but that it not true at all. Castiel, you are beautiful, you are worth everything I own and more. You mean the entire universe to me. You make me smile on bad days at work, you make me laugh. You make me so fucking happy. Please, don’t get wasted on thinking about the past again… that sounded better in my head. But, Darling, you’ll be ok. I promise you anything. As much as you think cutting yourself will help…baby, I know it won’t. I was right there with you through your first recovery and there’s no way in hell I’m leaving you now when you need me the most. I love you so much, Cas. Please don’t ever leave me. Don’t you ever take yourself away from me._

_-Dean_

Sitting with tears filling in his eyes, Cas smiled. He walked back to their room and kissed Dean as best as he could on the lips that were half hidden in the pillows. He didn’t stop till Dean was awake.

“I love you so fucking much, I promise I’ll come to you. Every single time it’s on my mind. Dean-“

“Easy, easy Cas. What’s going on?” Dean sat up.

“I found your letter to me...” Cas blushed. “I love you, Dean.” Castiel kissed him again and got back in bed. About a half hour later, Cas was still staring at the ceiling.  “Dean. Are you still awake?”

“No. But thanks for waking me, babe.” Dean replied jokingly. He turned to face Cas.

“We should do something.” Cas said quietly.

“Like what?

“Well…” Cas ran a hand down Dean’s arm. “Do you have work tomorrow?”

“My day off.” Dean put his hand on Cas’ hip. “What were you thinking?”

“We haven’t had sex in a while…”

“It has been a while, hasn’t it?” Dean said in a low, husky voice. He moved his had down to the hem of Cas’ sweater and was quickly stopped.

“Can we please keep this on..?” Cas asked nervously. Dean kissed Cas and pulled his pants down slowly while kissing down his neck.  Cas took off Dean’s shirt and wrapped his arms around him tight.

Dean removed the rest of their clothes, spare Cas’ sweater, and got on top of him. He lifted a hand to cup his cheek and kiss him deeply.

“Cas, I love you.” Dean was slightly out of breath as he grinded down on his boyfriend.

“I love you, too, Dean.” Cas’ eyes were closed. “I’m ready.” He said after a minute or two.

Dean got him all prepped and ready then pushed into Cas as gently as he could. Tonight wasn’t one for rough sex and they both felt that. Cas let out a soft moan of slight discomfort and pleasure. Honestly, Cas was a bit nervous but not entirely sure why. He put his hands on Dean’s waist and stopped him.

“You ok, baby?” Dean ran a hand through his hair.

“Yeah… just give me a second to get used to this again.” They haven’t done anything in over a month. Since Cas’ 19th birthday. Soon, he gave the signal that Dean could start again.

All of Castiel’s thoughts were focused on Dean. He didn’t want to think about cutting, the blood, or the healing cuts left over or anything. He wanted to think about Dean at this moment, on top and inside of him. Dean was all the help he needed to recover again.

Dean went in and out softly but still enough to be passionate and extremely pleasurable for both of them.

“D-dean..!” Cas moaned. “More..!” Dean followed his orders and went a little faster. “Hard..” Cas couldn’t finish the word. Dean knew, though. Cas had his hands all over Dean. He pulled Dean closer to bite his neck. Dean beat him to it, sucking and biting on Cas. The room was now filling with the sound of Cas’ beautiful voice. He felt like he was beyond the stars as Dean was pounding into him and kissing all over. Cas finished and Dean wasn’t far off. They didn’t bother cleaning up and just cuddled. Cas was too relaxed now to want to change into a new sweater. Dean left a kiss on Cas temple and drifted off to sleep.

-

December 2012

Dean got off work earlier than usual today. He went to Truman High to pick up Sam and surprise him.

“Hey, Dean!” Sam exclaimed.

“Hey, Sammy.” They hugged each other and walked over to the Impala. Sam talked about his day at school and how excited he was for Christmas.

“Isn’t it your anniversary soon?”

“Tomorrow, actually.” Dean smiled in his words. “That’s part of why I picked you up. I need your help.”

-

Dean explained to Sam that he wanted to do something special for Cas tomorrow. They both have the day off so there won’t be anything to interrupt them. Dean and Sam went to the store and picked up all the usual cliché anniversary items like flowers, chocolates, candles, everything.

Cas would be home by the time Dean got back. When he dropped Sam back off at Bobby’s he stopped by Gabe’s house to ask if he could get Cas down here for an hour or two so he could get the apartment set up for tomorrow. Gabe said yes and called Cas.

Now at home with Cas, late after having dinner and getting into bed, Cas and Dean lay side by side. Their TV is on some random channel that they weren’t paying any attention to. Dean looked over at Cas tugging on his sleeve and stopped him silently telling him he’s ok and will always be. Dean admired Cas’ beauty right in this moment. The white light from the TV screen brightened Cas’ ocean blue eyes and Dean thought for the millionth time he fell in love all over again. Dean leaned in to kiss him. It made him think of their first kiss.

_“Can I kiss you now?” Dean asked._

_“Did you really need to ask?”_

Dean felt like a wave. Cas being the rocks. All the built up energy and adrenaline, then the wave crashes and relaxes itself. Cas always made him feel relaxed.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> confusing chapter?

Dean woke up to his alarm clock. He was pretty upset that he didn’t get to finish his dream. But when has Dean been ever been feeling happy recently? He got out of bed and looked at the calendar that read ‘August 1st, 2014’

 _Cas would’ve been 21 this month._ Dean thought.

Dean wished last nights dream could’ve been the true outcome of what happened. He remembers the cold September night so clearly. Two years ago felt like two days ago. He looked down at Cas’ bracelet that now sits on his own wrist. There’s still a bit of blood stain on it, though. Dean tried to wash it off as best as he could. He messed with the string on the end of it that had the date Cas said ‘yes’ printed on it.

Two years later and Dean still can’t stop reliving the nightmare every day.

_“Tessa, Castiel’s nurse. Could you come in tonight? It’s urgent.”_

_Dean sped the whole way to the hospital. When he got there, Tessa was waiting in the lobby._

_“Is Cas ok? Where is he?” Tessa stood up._

_Her eyes were red and puffy. It concerned him. No. He was beyond concerned. Dean was scared._

_“Tessa… Where’s Cas?”_

_“We tried…”_

_Dean turned away._

_“You were supposed to help him!” Dean shouted. He broke out in tears. “What the fuck happened?! I should have fucking been here! Why couldn’t he call me! Why couldn’t I see him?!” Tessa was trying to stay calm._

_“He took off his bandages and ripped open his stitched wounds… he lost too much blood by the time we got to him.”_

_“Can I see him?”_

_“Dean…”_

_“Just answer my damn question!”_

_“Follow me…” Tessa led him to a room and let him in. Cas was in the bed, arms at his sides now wrapped in more bandages than there was before. Lifeless Cas was in that bed soaked in blood. He was just a body now. Dean couldn’t think straight. There would be no more ‘I love you’s’, no hearing his voice at all. No more gazing into those ocean eyes or kissing those soft lips…_

_Dean was hesitant at first. He almost didn’t have the courage to walk over to the bed. He didn’t want to believe it. Next thing Dean knew, he was next to Cas and stroked his cheek._

_“I love you, baby.” Dean choked back a sob. “My beautiful Castiel…”_

_“Dean. We found this in his room.” Tessa held out a piece of paper for him. “You can stay here for 10 minutes then we have to get his body out.” She left the room._

_Dean brought a chair to the side of the bed and grabbed his hand._

_“I only have 10 minutes with you.” Dean felt a couple tears run down his face. “I’m so sorry, baby… I wish I could’ve been here. You’re only 19 for fuck’s sake..” Dean decided to read the letter left to him, still holding on to Cas. His vision blurred as he read the first line._

_Dean, my love,_

_I’m sorry you’re reading this. Please know that I love you so fucking much. So, so fucking much. I can’t hold on any longer… I asked to call you. When they said no, I asked_ them _to call you. But they said I needed to try to get better from ‘inside sources.’ What the fuck does that even mean? I needed you and they didn’t let me. I hear my mom’s voice in my head every second I’m alone in here and that is most of the time but an hour every day and I just can’t push it away! I’ve had thoughts of cutting again but there’s nothing to use and I tried not to for you. So I would be able to come home to you in a way I could say I was proud of. Tomorrow I could’ve said I was proud of myself for not giving in. I could’ve seen your beautiful face again… remember that day at the lake? You helped me throw out my razors. I was so scared, Dean. I was scared I’d want to again. I remember having those thoughts but I always called you. Today I was scared. I wanted to call you yesterday, this morning and every single day and minute I’ve been without you. I needed the thoughts out and I had no way. I needed you, Dean Winchester._

_Please remember you are my whole world. I love you to the end of the universe and back. Thank you for giving me the best two years of my life. You made happiness a true emotion for me again._

_Tell Gabe and Rachel I’m sorry. Tell them that I love them. Take care of them._

_Tell Sam thank you for noticing me on my first day of school. Thank him for bringing us together. Tell him I’ll miss my little brother._

_Thank you for being my savior, Dean. I love you._

_-Cas_

Dean remembers going to Gabe’s that night. Rachel answered the door. Dean fell to the floor in sobs and she called out for her father. Dean remembers all of this too clearly.

After work today, Dean went to Cas’ grave. He sat down facing the tomb stone that read ‘Castiel Novak’ and just spoke to him.

“Hey, baby.” He started. “It’s almost your 21st birthday.” Dean talked about anything and everything to Cas. How his day was at work, what new shows were on TV, Sam and Jessica. He’s still in touch with Gabe and Rachel, too. Dean talked about them a lot.

Who knows how long Dean sat there. All he knew was he was about to fall asleep. He was too tired, now, to drive. He rested his head against the stone and dozed off, dreaming about the day the met.

_“You’re the new kid, right?_

Dean dreamt of the first look he took into those beautiful blue eyes. Watching as he tugged on his sleeves. Dean didn’t want to wake up.

-

Dean got up a few hours later hearing rustling in the trees. He sat up quickly looking around the cemetery. He got up to leave but felt a hand come out of Cas’ grave and grab his ankle pulling him in.


	19. Chapter 19

“Dean! Wake up, we’re late!” Dean shuffled awake in comfortable sheets, startled by a voice he almost didn’t recognize. He got up and saw Sam throwing his backpack at him. “Bobby has the car ready. Hurry up!”

After a heap of confusion, Dean soon realized it was all just a long dream. Sam was talking about getting ready for school. Dean was still a senior in high school, living in Bobby’s house. A dream that felt so real, so vivid, wasn’t at all reality. There was no Castiel in real life. He didn’t want to think about those fictional ocean blue eyes again. It’s actually hurting him a little inside.

Dean felt happy in his little dream world. Ever since his dad passed, he’s felt lost. He would never admit to it though.  He wished he could bring back that good feeling.

-

After lunch, Dean was waiting for Sam in the usual spot. It’s been five minutes and he hasn’t showed up. Sam never leaves Dean alone after lunch. They have the same 5th period together.  He started walking until he heard Sam call his name.

“Where were you, man?”

“I met a new kid. I think I made him nervous though. He wouldn’t leave his sleeves alone.”

“Oh.” Dean didn’t pay attention to the last thing his brother said. He was still tired and a little out of it from that dream he thought was a reality.

Sam and Dean got to their music class right as the bell rang. Dean didn’t hear Sam try to talk to him. He did see the person occupying a seat at their table and stopped Sam.

“What’s the date?”

“November 22.”

Dean walked over to the table at a reasonable speed and sat next to the guy and said ‘hi.’ The stranger looked up at Dean and all he saw was those ocean blue eyes he swore were the ones from his dream last night. What he didn’t notice, was the face that looked up at him lowered his jaw in a shocked expression.

“Is your name Castiel?” Dean said hesitantly, trying not to freak out the new kid.

“How did you know that?” Cas looked confused, as though he was half expecting that question to be asked.

Dean didn’t know what to think or feel. Was he happy and surprised that the boy from his dream was real? Was he scared that in real life Castiel would be straight? Or maybe he just likes to wear sleeves and he has a normal home life. Maybe he’s just fine and it really just was all a dream to Dean. He saw Cas tug on his sweater sleeve and it looked like he was trying to conceal himself in his own little box. Dean didn’t want to be a creep to this new guy who he knows the possible history behind.

“Can I talk to you? Dean felt nervous to as but for some reason he felt this conversation would be necessary. Cas slowly replied.

“..Sure.”

They left the room, out of the teacher’s sight and Dean texted Sam to let him know they’d be back. He took Cas to the grassy area behind school that Cas hung out at in the Dream. They sat behind the shed and Cas spoke up first.

“You’re Sam’s brother? Dean?”

“He talked about me to you?” The look Dean saw on his face was more shocked than even he was this morning.

“He never told me your name…”

“How did you know?”

“How did you know mine?” Cas retorted. Dean was embarrassed to say he knew everything about this kid, let alone ‘lived’ a life with him.  Then he heard Cas sigh. “About, uhm, two months ago… I was watching TV and this guy on there was named ‘Dean’ so…” Dean could tell Cas was getting nervous by how much he started messing with his sleeves. “I thought it was a cool name. Ever since then, not every night, but on occasion I have these dreams. For a while they were in chronological order or something but one really stuck out and I kept having that one more. It was you and I. I know for sure it was you and I in some situation… I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but I remember your green eyes, your love of cars and some other things too…”

“I had four years of our lives packed into one dream last night, Cas… I’m sure ‘freaked out’ is something we both can say. If everything in reality is correct, then…” Dean took a deep breath. “I know quite a bit about you.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Four years?” Cas asked. Dean nodded. “Were we.. Friends..?” Dean didn’t want to lie but he was afraid to tell the truth.

“We were each other’s, uhm…” Dean absently scratched his head.

“We were together, right?” Cas said this a little quiet but more confidently than he’s spoken in the last 15 minutes. Dean nodded again. “Did you know about my personal things?” He looked at Cas kind of confused but it didn’t take long for him to realize what he thought Cas meant.

“Cas…” Dean reached for his hand and Cas flinched. “Please stop.”

“I don’t know what you’re—“ Cas started.

“In my dream you told me the last time you did it was before you got on that plane on Friday then the day you met me. If I can change today, that would make Friday the last time. I promise I’ll be there for you.”

“Tell me about us from your dream. Was I better?”

“For about two years, yeah.” Dean didn’t want to remember the loss he felt. He hopes on his mother’s grave this doesn’t happen in reality. He’ll do better this time. If anything _does_ happen. “Tell me about your dream.”

“Well, what I can remember. We kissed a lot and went out on dates. Then there was one time we had sex… the last one that was the recurring one I dreamt again last night. I was in the bathroom holding a razor and yelling at you.” Dean cringed at the last sentence.

“I don’t want that image in my head again. That broke my heart.”

“Do you know why I did it?”

“Your mom called you while I was at work. My phone was on silent and didn’t hear your calls. I found you on the bathroom floor and you broke your tattoo.”

“I had a tattoo?”

“Those wings you draw on yourself. I paid for it as a present for you.”

Cas and Dean talked more to each other about their dreams. Cas asked, since they felt like they knew each other, if Dean wanted to try being together.

-

A few weeks have passed and they were happily together. Well, as happy as they could be. Everything was almost exact to Dean’s dream. The only differences were how they started talking, how and when they got together and they basically knew each other already anyway. But they still talk to each other about everything like it’s their first time finding out those facts of them.

Dean felt like his dream was really coming true.


	20. Chapter 20

August 1st, 2014

Cas woke up next to his friend Charlie this morning. The two of them had a party last night for his last night before getting married.  Dean was out with Sam and another friend of his for their own party. Of course, Cas and Charlie’s was a bit more settled down than he thought Dean’s was. They couldn’t really go out and do anything since Cas is still only a few weeks away from being 21. Charlie is now, though so she supplied some of Cas’ favorite drinks while just sitting around watching TV and making drunk comments to each other about it.

Cas met Charlie their senior year in high school. They had math class together and they became instant friends. She’s the only one of everyone he talked to that stuck around for a future friendship. Charlie was one of those friends that he could talk to if Dean wasn’t around or if he and Dean had an argument, he’d complain to her about it and she would always be there to listen.

Over the first year Cas and Dean were together, almost everything lined up with each others weird future telling dreams. They talked to Gabe together about Cas’ mom and his self-harm, and Dean’s graduation night. Cas didn’t know about that part though so it really was a surprise for him. Cas also didn’t want to go out at all without his sweaters yet and Dean was totally supportive about it. He got used to showing his arms around family but never to the strangers at school. What did happen a bit quicker was Cas opening up to make friends. He felt proud of himself for talking to Charlie that first day in math class.

“Cas, you up?” Charlie’s voice was tired and groggy.

“Yeah.” He sat up in the bed. “Charlie, I’m getting married today.” He said, smiling, thinking about Dean and looking at his engagement ring.

“More accurately,” Charlie turned to her clock. “You’re getting married in six hours.”

“It’s noon already?!” Cas got out of bed, shocked that he slept in so late. He ran to the bathroom to shave off his scruff and shower. Charlie laughed and said something about still having enough time but Cas didn’t pay attention.

Cas and Dean decided to have their wedding at an old building they thought was just a rundown church. They chose it because it looked so beaten up and broken that they wanted to add some happiness to it with the wedding. Cas remembers what he told Dean after booking the place.

_“I’m the building. You’re my wedding.”_

_“Why? Cos I always lighten up your day?” Dean went in to kiss him._

After Cas’ shower, he got dressed in the extra clothes he brought from home. His phone beeped with a message from Dean.

_From Dean: I’m so excited baby. Are you ready?_

To Dean: Oh hell yes I am! I love you.

_From Dean: I love you, too._

Cas put his phone down on the bedside table in Charlie’s room when she walked back in.

“So you still have five and a half hours till you’re officially a married man. It’ll take about an hour for me to get ready, an hour for you. Then about—“ Cas cut her off.

“An hour for me?”

“Do you _not_ want me to help make you look sexy for your husband?” Cas shrugged and let her continue. “Anyway, the place is about half hour away, right? So we should get there a little early so we can get ready there. That way our outfits don’t get wrinkled in the car. Let’s leave around three.”

“That’s in, like, just an hour though.” Cas was nervous. Yeah, he’s marrying the love of his entire life but it’s still a big nerve wracking thing. He reached for his wrist remembering too late that he’s not wearing sleeves and instead just rubbed his arms. Cas was still trying to break the sleeve tugging habit and both Charlie and Dean knew how to comfort him at those times.

“Cas, it’s ok.” She grabbed his hands and sat in front of him. “I know it’s scary but the result will make you so happy. I’m gonna be right there with you.  You know I love you and I wouldn’t suggest or let you do anything that would end up bad. That’s what best friends are for, right?”

Cas smiled at her. “Well, duh. Charlie you’re like my little sister?”

“Bitch, I’m a month older than you!” They laughed together. “Help me get things ready.”

They took their outfits to the car, laying them down flat in the backseat. Back in the apartment, Charlie grabbed her makeup bag, straightener and everything else she thought was necessary to bring.

 “Do you have your vows?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah. It’s in my pocket.” Cas put on his jacket, lifting up his left sleeve to show himself the wing tattoo. It was Dean’s birthday present for him when he turned 18. He looked down and smiled.

_“Dean, where are you taking me?” Cas sat curiously in the Impala begging for an answer._

_“You’ll see, baby. I promise you’ll love it.”_

_Cas asked again but got the same response. He fell back in his seat waiting along with the ride. They pulled up into a parking lot for multiple buildings and Cas had a questioning look on his face._

_“How about we make those wings of yours permanent, my angel.”_

_Dean had made the appointment two weeks in advance and kept it a secret. Cas was ecstatic. He’d dreamt of the day he’s finally get his wings tattooed and now it’s here._

_Cas was sat in the chair getting ready and waiting for the stencil._

_“Dean… What if they can’t do it..?” Cas was nervous that they wouldn’t tattoo him over his scars._

_“They will, Cas.” The artist came back before Dean could say any more._

_Dean held his hand the whole time. Cas didn’t really flinch much, or show any signs of pain. It wasn’t as bad as he expected. It was finished in just under two hours and admired it all the way home._

As a treat, Charlie took him out for a late breakfast. They still had a while to get to the venue but still rushed a bit to take their time getting ready. After the two finished their small meals, they hopped back into the car and drove off.

Cas and Charlie made it there around 4pm. As Cas had expected, they were the first ones there. They went into their dressing room and got themselves in the clothes they had ready then Charlie brought out her make up kit.

“Ok, Cas. You ready?”

“Uhm. What are you gonna do to me?” he asked with nervousness in his voice.

“I told you. I’m gonna make you hot for your husband!” Cas opened his mouth to respond but got interrupted. “Now sit.” Cas sat in the chair while Charlie fixed his hair first. He couldn’t see himself cos Charlie made him turn away from the mirror but he thought that was for the best. He didn’t want to ruin what she had planned. Plus, it couldn’t be terrible looking. Cas saw her pause every minute or so to think. She finished his hair in 10 minutes. Charlie was going for her makeup bag and Cas tried to protest. “Hey. You know I wouldn’t do anything to make you look bad. Trust me.”

After what felt like forever, Cas was Charlie free. She gave him the ok to turn around and he looked in the mirror, surprised but happy by the way she dolled him up. His hair was spiked just a little bit in the front and the rest was sort of a casual messy natural look. It made him think it was the after sex hair trying to look presentable. His face didn’t look as different as he expected. Just looked a lot smoother and brighter, and a little less pale. He thought he actually looked good today.

“That’s the magic of foundation.” Charlie leaned against the wall with her arms crossed.

“Well, for a lesbian you sure know how to make a guy look hot.”

“And for a gay boy you sure know how to turn girls on.” Cas looked at her so confused with wide eyes as she held out her hands in defense. “Not me! Oh my god. Did you never notice the girls in high school walking behind us? They would drool every time you spoke and it was disgusting.”

There was a knock on the door and Charlie opened it for Gabe and Rachel to come in the room. Everyone here was dressed up and ready for the wedding.

-

Sam was helping a stressed out Dean get his bow tie on.

“Dean, it’s ok!”

“What if he’s not here? Do you think he forgot about our wedding? What if he’s not even ready?? Oh my fucking god.”

“Dean!” Sam said aggressively. “Why would he forget? _How_ would he forget? He was with Charlie right? Knowing her, she probably had him here hours ago.” Dean looked at the clock that said 5:30pm. Half an hour to go. “Just text him or something.”

“But—“

“Listen, boy.” Bobby started. “I sure as hell know Cas wouldn’t forget such an important day for you guys. And he for sure as hell would not just leave you standing here. So stop your fucking whining and call your husband.”

“He’s not—“

“Yet.”

Dean got out his phone and dialed Cas’ number.

 _“Hey!”_ Cas sounded happy.

“Hey baby.”

 _“You ready?”_ Dean smiled hearing the excitement in Cas’ voice.

“Of course I am! I just wanted to say I love you, Cas.”

_“I love you, too babe. See you soon.”_

-

Cas and Dean didn’t want to have a big wedding. Or the usual traditional wedding, really. But it would have been small anyway. There were no best men or groomsmen. And as bad as Charlie wanted to be the ‘Cas-maid’ they told her no. She practically begged them to at least be the flower woman to be a part of this wedding somehow.

The people attending were their family. Charlie, Gabe and Rachel on Cas’ side. Then Sam, Jess and Bobby on Dean’s side. Those six family members are the people who helped Cas and Dean become what and who they are today. The eight of them made a perfect family.

-

“Are you ready, Castiel Winchester?” 15 year old Rachel asked him. She would be walking down the aisle with Cas and handing him off to Dean. Cas nodded, signaling the ok for Charlie to start tossing petals. Cas, with his arm linked to his cousin’s, they walked down to the isle way. He saw Dean at the altar, smiling. Dean was so beautiful in his eyes. He wondered how on earth they ended up here.

As they got closer to Dean, Cas was getting nervous again. The hand by his side was tugging at the sleeve above it. He looked up at Dean again and saw him shake his head and mouth to him, _“No, baby.”_

Rachel gave Cas a big hug before giving him to Dean. She went to sit down at her seat and Cas turned to Dean. They would be officially married in ten minutes. They grabbed each others hands.

“Don’t be nervous, my angel.” Dean whispered to him.

The preacher started talking and giving the wedding speech, Cas and Dean recited what they needed to. He soon asked Cas to read his vows to Dean.

“I know it won’t top anything you have to say…” Cas got his paper out. “Dean Winchester. I have no idea where I’d be if I hadn’t met you. I probably would’ve known you, but never imagined this. I never had hope for myself. I never knew if I’d be alive to see the next day. I’m grateful that I survived because it brought me to you. Dean, I imagine us as an ocean against the shore. A wave builds up and rushes to any surface in front of it and crashes. I think of myself as those waves. My feelings would build and build and I’d rush to find that surface to relax me. It’s no longer rocks with pointy edges that I land on. It’s the soft shore. The shore that absorbs all that built up energy and releases it back to something good. No more crashing hard into an exploding mess that won’t calm down. You’re my shore, Dean. Thank you, Sam, for introducing us.” Cas looked over at Sam in his seat then back at Dean. “I love you forever, Dean.”

Dean wiped a tear from his eye as he got out his vows from his pocket. He unfolded the paper and began.

“Castiel, there’s nothing I want more in this life than for you to be happy. I love you with all my heart. Yes, we’ve had our times of trouble, but personally I think that made us stronger together. With what you have been through, and your struggles before I came along, I’d still love you if none of that had happened. Because, babe, I’d rather have you. Cursed or not. If you ever feel broken, we can sit in the grass and watch the bees or play board games together. I am always gonna be here even if you fall again. On September 26, 2012 I was terrified to come home from work. I requested the day off but didn’t get it. I remember texting you every chance I got because I didn’t want that nightmare part of my dream to come true. And I still remember so clearly coming home to your snoring like the little angel you are while you were sleeping in our bed at 5:30 pm. A whole day of stress was lifted when I knew you were ok. I’m so glad that day turned out differently. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to share this magical day together. I love you, Cas. With everything I have. I’m glad we met. With your spaced out dreams and my overnight lifetime, I’d say it was meant to be. Who cares if that sounds silly to people because we’ll always have that memory. All that matters is that we’re happy and together. Nothing can keep us from living the life we deserve. We’ll grow old and grumpy together, but happily together. Forever and always, my love.”

Cas wanted so badly to just jump in his arms right then and there. He was holding back a storm of happy tears and smiled at Dean. They were barely a moment away from saying they are a married couple.

They followed the next instructions and finally it was time.

“Do you, Dean, take Castiel to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to hold till death do you part?”

“Of course I fucking do.” Cas smiled at Dean’s choice of language. It probably wasn’t the most appropriate of times but this isn’t a normal wedding.

“And do you, Castiel, take Dean to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to hold till death do you part?”

“No shit, I do.” Dean chuckled and took Cas’ hands.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and husband. You may now kiss your groom.”

Cas almost attacked Dean to the ground with his kiss. Their six family members clapped and cheered. Everyone was so happy. Cas pulled away from Dean and looked into those grassy green eyes.

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, Castiel Winchester.”


	21. Chapter 21

Six Years Later

December 24th 2020

It’s Christmas Eve at the Winchester house. Cas and Dean have been happily married for six years. During the first year of marriage they talked about how much they wanted to expand their family. Finally, into their 2nd year, they adopted. Cas always told Dean if he had a baby he would treat it as a child should be treated. Give them what they deserve instead of just being an ass to them. It took about five months of paper work and they got to meet their little girl.

Birthdate: July 23, 2015.

Adoption date: March 1st, 2016.

She didn’t have a name yet. Cas told Dean to name her but Dean just argued back telling Cas to name her. The came upon the decision to name her together. Named after Dean’s mother and Cas’ aunt, they had their daughter, Mariana.

She was having a nap and Dean was out doing a quick shopping errand. Cas stayed with Mariana while waiting for Sam to bring over his son.

Sam and Jess got married two months before their son, Robert ‘Bobby’ John was born in 2016. They named him after Bobby and John, obviously. He’s 8 months younger than Mariana. They all thought what a coincidence that Jess got pregnant when Cas and Dean started signing adoption papers.

Sam was bringing Bobby John over for the night after he and Dean offered to watch him. The entire family would be coming over tomorrow for Christmas day so they didn’t mind keeping their nephew one night. But why would they? Mariana is 5 and Bobby John is 4. The two cousins get along so well, like best friends.

Cas heard a car pull in the driveway and saw Sam getting out with some toys. He held his son’s hand as they walked to the door and Cas invited them in giving them hugs.

“Jess said to tell you hi. She got called in to do a couple hours of work.” Jess was working a retail job to make some extra money on the side while Sam was finishing Law school. “She’s excited to see you guys tomorrow.”

“We’re just as excited!” Cas looked down to his nephew and picked him up. “Hey, buddy!”

“Hi un’Cas!” the little four year old exclaimed. And for some reason he still couldn’t say the words ‘uncle Cas’ separately yet.

“Sam, you wanna stay for a bit? Dean should be home soon.”

Sam looked over to the clock and saw it was only 6pm. “Sure. Sounds good.”

“Would you like anything to eat?”

“Actually, I’m surprising Jess with dinner tonight. So, thanks, but I’ll pass.”

They talked for a while before Dean got home and Bobby John occupied himself with his Tonka truck Sam brought for him. When Dean opened the door, Bobby John was the first to greet him.

“Dean!”

“Hey little man!” Dean picked him up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Cas and Sam helped bring in groceries because a certain someone just _had_ to show Dean their toy truck. Sam and Dean hugged and said hi then heard another little voice.

“…daddy?” Cas heard Mariana call for him from down the hall. Cas went to grab her from bed.

“Hey, sweetie. Dad’s home now.” Mariana tiredly got herself out of bed and let her tiny feet guide her to the living room. As soon as she saw Bobby John, she was completely awake and ready to play. Sam stole a hug and kiss from her before she sat down and she was laughing and pushing on her uncle.

“Bro that’s my daughter! I get first hugs!” Dean played and took her from Sam. “Hi baby girl.”

“Hi dad.” Mariana gave Dean a hug and struggled away.

“Where’s dad’s kiss, Mariana?” Cas teased to her. She kissed her dad and got down to play with her cousin.

“What’s your plan for tonight, Sammy?”

“I found this awesome restaurant that Jess and I haven’t been to before. She’s told me a few times she wants to go so I’m gonna surprise her. And I even got her this necklace she’s been dying for. I’m gonna give that to her tonight.”

“That’s awesome, man.” Dean was happy Sam was taking Jess out on a date again. That is why he offered to watch their son after all.

About 45 minutes later, Sam had left, Dean made dinner for the kids and Cas went in for a quick shower. Cas heard the bathroom door open and automatically asked about the kids.

“Shouldn’t you be out there with them?”

“I put on the Lion King in Mari’s room. They should be asleep soon.” Dean opened the shower curtain a little so he could kiss his husband.

“Get me a towel?” Dean did as asked and stood next to the wall watching Cas get dressed.

“So I have a present for you.” Dean smiled.

“Oh, really?” Cas said teasingly. “I have one for you, too.” He put on a pair of sweats and one of Dean’s large t-shirts. He pulled Dean close to him and kissed him long and hard. “I know you’re gonna love it, babe.”

“I think you’ll like part two of mine a little more.” Hearing Dean use his deep, husky voice made Cas want to melt into the ground.

Dean and Cas laid in bed together watching whatever they could find on Netflix. Cas started dozing off and each time he caught himself, he would sit up a little straighter. It wasn’t until Dean was shaking him that he realized he actually did fall asleep.

“Merry Christmas, Cas.” Dean held up a box to Cas and smiled in the dim lit room. Cas sat up and took the box.

“Don’t you wanna wait till later?”

“Nope.” Cas smiled and opened the box. Inside was a bracelet. A thin blue lace string with charms on it with the letters ‘D, C, M.’

“You, me and Ana?” Cas and Dean had a habit of calling their daughter by half her name sometimes. But his reaction to the bracelet, he was so happy. Dean nodded in response to Cas and helped him put it on his wrist. Cas kissed him immediately after. “Can I give you yours now?”

“Of course!”

Cas went to one of his dresser drawers and picked up a larger, but thinner, box. He handed it to Dean and watched as he unwrapped it slowly. It was a framed picture of the three of them. Cas had taken the picture a couple years ago when Mariana was still a baby and she was watching the little mermaid. Dean picked her up and danced with her to the ‘Part of Your World’ song. Cas turned the camera towards himself, getting Dean and Mariana in the shot too. He forgot all about the picture until he found it on his computer a couple weeks ago. Cas saw Dean’s face melt with pure happiness. He set the frame on the table next to his side of the bed.

“Baby, I love it.” Dean leaned over and kissed him into the pillow. After a minute or two, they separated and both wanted to go to sleep. They had a long happy day ahead of them.

-

Cas woke up before Dean at the not so wonderful hour of 7am to the sound of a whining child. He got up and went to his daughter’s room to find out it was little voices talking, not whining.

“Kids?” Cas opened the door and Bobby John put something behind his back very fast and Mariana pulled the blanket over something.

“Daddy, don’t look!” Cas smiled and turned around.”

“Ok. Hide your things and come give me lovies.” A few seconds later his daughter and his nephew were gripping him into a hug. “How long have you guys been awake?” Both kids shrugged.

“We’re making presents!” Bobby John shouted. Cas hushed him saying Dean was still sleeping.

“Do you want to finish making your presents while I make you breakfast?” Cas didn’t get a vocal response. They turned around and ran back to the bed.

Cas walked into the kitchen, ready for the day. He thought about Rachel and how excited he is to see her and meet her new boyfriend. He hasn’t talked to her in months. And for Thanksgiving, she went to her boyfriend’s family. She’s 21 now and living on her own. Gabe told him last week that she’d be bringing along her boyfriend. And if Cas remembers correctly, his name is Balthazar. He heard little footsteps in the hall while making toast and eggs. It was his beautiful daughter.

“Daddy. I forgot to tell you. Merry Christmas!” she opened her arms for a hug. Cas got down to her level and hugged her back.

“Merry Christmas, baby.” He gave her a kiss. “Now go finish up and tell Bobby John that breakfast is almost ready.”

A few minutes later Cas had breakfast out and served to the toddlers. He also made extra for Dean.

“When is mommy and daddy coming home?” Bobby John asked with his mouth full. Everyone should be there around 9:30 and it was only 7:45.

“In about 2 hours, bud.”

“Daddy is Auntie Charlie gonna be here, too?”

“No she’s not hunie. She’s gonna be with her mommy and daddy.” Mariana looked upset but that soon changed.

Cas had a conversation going with them about toys, TV and everything else their imaginations were thinking of.

“Ana do you have a name for your monkey?” she just giggled and looked passed him. He was about to turn around but felt arms grip him and lips on his neck. Dean got up and didn’t even realize it. Cas laughed it off. “You little fu—“

“Ah-ah-ah.” Dean wiggled a finger and put it on Cas’ lips. “No cussing on Christmas.” Cas stood up.

“You scared me.” Cas went to kiss Dean and the kids made humorous sounds of disgust.

-

It’s 9:30 and everyone was fed and dressed, the presents were under the tree and everyone was ready. Cas put the kids channel on TV so they could be entertained until people got there.

Sam and Jess got there first and Bobby John didn’t want to let go of his mother. Sam was wearing a green flannel with a red shirt underneath. Talk about Christmas spirit Winchester style. And despite the cold weather Jess was wearing a beautiful blue dress.

Bobby showed up next along with Gabe which meant Rachel and her boyfriend would be last to show up anytime soon.

The doorbell rang and Cas opened the door to Rachel stood there with a skinny blonde man about his height that must have been Balthazar. Rachel resembled her mother so much. The wavy red hair, blue eyes. She was beautiful.

“You must be Castiel!” he said.

 _British. Nice!_ Cas thought.

“And you must be Balthazar!” they smiled and shook hands. “Come in.”

They went in the house and Rachel was introducing Balthazar to everyone when Dean came up to Cas.

“Is that Balthazar?” Cas nodded.

“Hey Dean!” Rachel came up and hugged him.

“Hey Rach. Been a while.”

“Yeah it has. Cas probably already told you but this is my boyfriend.” He and Dean shook hands and got introduced.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“About a year and a half.”

“All this time and you didn’t tell me?” Cas asked shocked.

“Dude I didn’t even tell Dad until 6 months ago.”

“Wow, Ray. Don’t girls usually brag all about it the second they get a boyfriend?” Cas teased.

“Says the girl in the relationship.” Rachel teased back.

They continued their fun while Dean and Balthazar got to know each other. Jess was playing with the kids and Sam was talking to Bobby and Gabe. Before they knew it, it was time to open presents!

“Bobby John, Mariana?” Cas called for them. “Can you go get your presents and put them under the tree?” they ran to Mariana’s room and brought back two presents each.

Bobby offered to distribute the presents this year. They decided to teach their new family member, Balthazar, the Winchester/Novak Christmas tradition.

-

Gifts were opened and everyone was smiling. The kids were happy with their new toys. Dean put the drawings Mariana and Bobby John made for them on the mantel. Cas brought up a new idea of watching a Christmas movie before everyone leaves. Before they could make a decision, Balthazar stood up.

“I actually have one more present.” He looked over to Cas’ smiling uncle and back to Rachel. She repositioned herself, looking around the room, confused. Cas went and sat next to Gabe.

“What’s happening?” he whispered.

Gabe just shushed him.

“Rachel, my love. Would you do me the great honor of becoming my wife?” he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring.

-

It was late evening. Everyone left hours ago. Mariana was getting ready for bed and Dean and Cas brought all her new toys to her play area. Dean made sure she brushed her teeth and got her pajamas on then Cas helped tuck her into bed.

“Goodnight, sweetie.” Cas kissed her forehead.

“Sweet dreams.” Dean followed.

“Goodnight Daddys.”

They headed back to their room and got comfortable. Which, for them was boxers only. They climbed in bed together and Dean put his arm around Cas’ shoulder.

“I’m so happy for Rachel.”

“Me too. It’s exciting that the last one of us is finally tying the knot.” Dean replied referring to them and Sam and Jess.

“Yeah it is. But it’s crazy. I mean, with how it was growing up with my mom, I didn’t see Rachel or Gabe very much but when I did I really held on to it. Then moving in with them she was like, 11 or 12. With all the things going on in my head and not caring about myself, I felt the need to care for her when I could. She’s like a little sister to me. You wouldn’t imagine the pain I felt when she asked about my arm and having to expl—“

“Hey.” Dean stroked his cheek. “No more about that. We’re happy. She’s happy. That’s all in the past now.” Cas nodded. “Do you remember how I proposed to you?”

“Of course I do. It was in my birthday.” Cas smiled.

“I took you to dinner.”

“I thought that’s all it was.” Dean kissed him.

“Then I told you I had to use the bathroom. But what I really did was ask the guy to print out and extra piece of receipt paper that I could write on.”

“Yeah, when he brought me that I thought ‘what the fuck, babe?’ till I saw it say ‘will you marry me? Yes or yes’ it was perfect.”

“I still have it, too. It’s in my wallet. With your cute little ‘Castiel Winchester’ signature.”

They continued to talk about the proposal and Mariana’s adoption day. Every good memory on their mind left their mouths this cold Christmas night.

“I love you so much Dean.”

“I love you too baby.”

“Forever and always.” Cas got on top of Dean silently asking for more.

“I didn’t think you’d wanna do anything tonight.”

“Well, babe, you thought wrong.” Cas kissed him deeply.

After a few minutes of teasing, their clothes were off, dicks were hard and one sweet husband was begging.

“What do you wanna do tonight?” recently they’ve been switching top and bottom.

“The usual…” Cas mumbled.

Dean pulled Cas down and flipped them over so Dean was on top. There was a lot of touching and feeling all of each other. Their hands everywhere, tracing every inch of their bodies. The two of them together, pressing and pulling, and grinding… then Dean hit that sweet spot. Everything just builds and builds… and it was all just..—

“Don’t wake Mari up.” Dean said as he pushed into his husband one more time making him cum.

They lie together cuddled up under the covers, fingers linked together. Cas looked up and saw that Dean fell asleep already. He kissed Dean soft on the cheek and on his chest. Cas wasn’t sad, but he felt thankful and noticed how far he’s come since that last day he lived with his mom. He felt his eyes water and smiled and how much better he is since moving here and meeting Dean. Without him, Cas wouldn’t be here. Cas whispered to sleeping Dean.

“Thank you for keeping me alive. I love you.”


	22. Thank You

thank you for reading!  
i also wrote a 1 chapter sequel set in 2031 from Marirana's POV when she's 15.  
Let me know if you're interested in reading it and want me to post it in the comments below.


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